How to Summer Your Face Off

- Find a great summer novel, then sit back, relax, and wait for it to be made into a movie!

– Get a tan! Nothing looks better than the healthy golden glow of pre-cancer!

– Take a day trip to a public swimming pool! Nothing says “summer fun” like splashing around in strangers’ urine!

– Use the summer to learn new skills like climbing, lock-picking, and marksmanship.

– Take a road trip! It’s a great way to see some of our nation’s most beautiful truck stops!

– Put up a hammock! Then invite your friends over and watch them try to get into it!

– Having a BBQ is a great way to eat a heart-attack inducing amount of meat while also possibly burning your house down.

– Get a short summer haircut! It’s a great way to stay cool while feeling cripplingly self-conscious!

– Put your money into a diverse array of bonds and stock options! When the temperature’s rising, it’s time for smart investing!

– It’s a great time to get some work done in the backyard like raking, mowing, and digging a grave. You never know when you might need it!

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