Well summer is almost over, and no matter how you cut it you are probably slowly realizing that you might have been kidnapped. Here are some surefire signs that you should be leaning toward the kidnapped category.
- A throbbing, pounding headache. Either you had too many margaritas at the beach or you got clocked over the head with a heavy object. Probably a lead pipe or the butt of a revolver. Uh oh. Sounds like you got kidnapped.
- BLOOD! So much blood. Streaming out of the top of your head. Certainly more than usual. You don’t remember falling down when you were prepping for that massive beach BBQ with all your boys. It probably happened when something smashed you from behind. Yikes. Welcome to Kidnapped Town.
- Chaffed wrists. The most common cause of chaffed wrists is from someone using rope to tie your arms up behind your back. Whether it’s nylon, Kevlar or just standard rope, that’s going to chaff. And let’s face it, not many times in your life besides a kidnapping where your arms would be tied up like this. Well… there was that one time in Cabo! Crazy summers. But most likely, you made a pit stop in kidnapped county.
- You’re in the back of a trunk bound and gagged. This one is pretty much a no-brainer. But in case you were wondering, sounds like we have a kidnapping on our hands.
- You have an abductor. Sure, maybe you are just at the one beach bar where all the bartenders wear balaclava masks, it’s decorated like an abandoned warehouse, and they not only want to see your ID to get a pitcher of Sangria but also need your banking information or classified secrets you know because of your job. But… uhhhh… we doubt it. Sounds like you bought a one-way ticket on the Kidnapped Express.
- You are experiencing Stockholm syndrome. Maybe you’re feeling empathy toward your abductor because they seemed so nice when they gave you that bowl of ceviche to eat. Wait a second. Ceviche. Isn’t that the hot new dish of the summer? Maybe this is just a party? Oh wait there was a ransom note involved. Welcome back to a little place we like to call… The Kidnapped Zone.
- Liam Neeson is rescuing you. No ifs ands or buts about it. Brother… you have been kidnapped. Happy summer!
Geoff Garlock is a writer in NYC who teaches sketch comedy at the UCB. You can sample his wares at UCB’s monthly show, “Night Late” or @GGarlock.