10) Falling In Love
Spooky!! This is a terrifying costume that you can both dress up as, if you’re emotionally vulnerable enough. For this costume, you’ll need to open yourself up to each other, share the worst parts of yourself with your partner, then accept those things but keep them in the back of your head because you’ll use them against each other later in the relationship. For extra pizazz, draw on a cat nose!
9) Finally Saying “I Love You” And They Don’t Say It Back Right Away
OoooOOoooo. Chills already! This one is absolutely horrifying. For this ghoulish guise, you’ll need one person to say “I love you” and the other person to sit there and pretend like they didn’t hear it but they definitely heard it. For added scare-factor, sport some fangs!
8) Moving In Together
Realtors and U-Hauls and Committing to Year-Long Leases, oh my!! This couple’s costume is scary because there’s no going back. You’ll find most of the stuff for these outfits at Ikea. After making those soul-crushing trips to buy furniture, you’ll need to reveal the other person everything about your finances and come clean about all your disgusting living habits. If you’re getting ambitious with your outfits, use eyeshadow and draw dark circles under your eyes so it looks like the stress of this whole ordeal is keeping you awake at night!
7) Investing Five Years Into A Relationship And Then SURPRISE! It All Comes Crumbling Down Around You
BOO, YOU DON’T EXCITE ME ANYMORE!! Haha. This was a couple’s costume, but now it’s not. For this frightening ensemble, you’ll need a cell phone so you can get dumped via text, a bunch of dumb food to eat when you’re sad, and tears.
5) Moving Out
For this emotionally exhausting couple’s costume, carry around boxes of housewares with you all night. When one of you asks the other “Who bought this?” You can answer “I don’t know, just take it. I don’t care.” For added realism, have one of you take all the little kitchen stuff because you’ve been crying all day and you’re too tired to split it all up! For a cute twist, put some stupid mouse ears on.
4) Seeing Your Ex With Someone New
This one is so scary it makes me want to throw up and hide!! This fun getup requires three costumes: “You,” “Your Ex,” and a “New Person.” You can get creative with these, just make sure the “New Person” costume is much more spontaneous and better in bed than the “You” costume.
3) Never Finding Someone Else, Because, Like, How Can Soulmates Even Be A Thing?
Werewolves? Nah. Ghosts? Meh. Being alone?? AHHH!! This costume is super easy to do. For this terrifying little number, get too depressed to even go to the Halloween party. Instead, stay home in your pajamas with your computer and phone in your lap, refreshing Facebook and checking Instagram every 10 minutes. For a “sexy” version of this costume, wear see-through pajamas.
2) The Perpetually Single Friend Who Has A Lot Of Strong Opinions About Relationships
Woweee talk about a blood-curdling entrance at your office Halloween Party! For this one just dress up as yourself, but darker and smellier clothing, because one of the benefits of being single is that you don’t have anyone yelling at you to do laundry, you know? To really get into character, corner people who you’re only kind-of friends with and monopolize their whole night with theories about how monogamy is an unnatural modern construct.
1) Dying Alone
I literally can’t think of a more horrifying costume.
Glenn Boozan is the only comedian in New York City. She writes, teaches, and does improv at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater. Her Twitter handle is @boozan.