Yesterday, I finished my “100 Days of Gratitude” challenge, and today, literally all of the things you’ve ever wanted for your own life are mine. When I started picking one random thing per day, taking a picture of it and captioning that picture “#100DaysofGratitude,” I thought maybe I’d wake up with a renewed sense of self, more confidence, and greater outlook on life. Instead, I woke up to a life full of the specific things that you’ve been working, praying and hoping for:
David. You know David. He’s that guy from your yoga class with the triceps who’s always smiling at you, but you can’t tell if he likes you or if he’s just like, from the midwest or something. Well this morning I woke up with David, naked and erect in my kitchen. Turns out he is from the midwest. He asks so many questions about my camp friends, diets I’ve tried, my personal thoughts about ISIS – sometimes I almost forget about his triceps. But then he’s naked and I remember.
The sunglasses you loved. Remember when we saw these at Steven Alan and you were like “Oh my GOD I love those!” But you couldn’t afford them so you decided to put $10 a day into a “Steven Alan fund”?? Sad.
This body. This is my body now. It’s technically made of flesh and blood but it feels like 100% self-esteem. And what’s so weird is that I never work out. Isn’t that weird? All this time you’ve been eating 1200 calories a day and running sprints but you could have literally Instagrammed a picture of your own butthole, captioned it “#100DaysofGratitude #Day56 #mybutthole” and you’d be jerking off onto your own breasts right now.
A really real convo with your mom. Oh man, Gayle and I have really gotten close. This morning, out of nowhere, she called me and we got to talking and I have never felt more safe, open and free to be myself. We laughed SO. MUCH. But we also just got really honest. We didn’t get a chance to talk about you but she told me to say hi.
Perfect weed. Remember that time in March, 2007 when you got high but not too high and you were giggling and dancing and you performed all the songs from Labyrinth and were like “this is literally the best I’ve ever felt in my life!!” I have weed that makes you feel that way every time you smoke it. I know! How is that possible? Weed is so unpredictable, especially for you. I have piles of it. I’ve blazed three times already this morning and I feel like a warm, blueberry muffin smells.
A table outside. Right now, at this moment, you’re waiting at Foxbranch & Gemstone for brunch and you specifically asked for a table outside, which the hostess said would take forty-five minutes. And I’m not even at Foxbranch & Gemstone, I’m lying upside down with my feet in the air and my butt against the wall, watching reruns of Home Improvement – but I got it. I got your table. Isn’t that INSANE?? #100DaysofGratitude #Day101 hahaha jk I’m so done with that.
Freedom from fear of boats. I don’t know if it was the picture of the dead pigeon on #Day22 or the free Splenda I found on #Day89, but I’m not afraid of boats anymore! Oh wait – I was never afraid of boats. You were afraid of boats! Oh man. I guess that means you’re still afraid of boats? Bummer.