1. Find me a new apartment (note: I don’t have a lot of money and I’m VERY picky.)

2. Pack up all these antique clown dolls CAREFULLY. Before you ask, no, they are not looking at you. Get over yourself.

3. Find the damn cat. My cat, Ashton Kutcher, hasn’t been seen in four months. I don’t take good care of her, but I can’t live without her.

Ashton Kutcher. RIP?

Ashton Kutcher. RIP?

4. DON’T forward my mail. I’m trying to get away from a lot of things.

5. Give my roommate Julio the $6000 I owe him.

6. Remember the Titans (always helpful)

7. Clean the fridge. Grab all the Taco Bell hot sauces. (Those are mine.)

8. Put each of my bedazzled trucker hats in their designated bedazzled trucker hat box.

9. Look if Julio’s HBOGO password is written down anywhere.

10. Bring over your couch so that we can leave it in this apartment to look like I’m generously leaving a couch.

There! Atta guy!

There! Atta guy!

11. Offer me a job. (It will help us both with #1)

12. Paint a map of the world on my bedroom wall. (I don’t know. I told Julio I’d do it, just go with it.)

13. Invite me over for Thanksgiving dinner. (Can’t eat with my family for legal reasons.)

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