The crunch of leaves, the smell of woodsmoke, that chill in the air- could Autumn really be here already? Or is it the death of all things vital and good in the wake of another failed relationship? Before dark, dark winter encroaches upon your heart, why not take a break from picking up the the pieces of your self worth… and pick some apples instead!

Bust out the sweaters, everybody: here are the Autumn apple varieties you’ve GOT to sink your teeth into this fall, so long as you understand that no apple can fill the space in your life that love once filled.

1. 20 Ounce

1 20OZ


This pale, tart heirloom variety is best known for its size- its also a perfect pick for apple pies! Remember last fall, when the two of you drove up through the valley to see the leaves and buy apples for pie? That won’t be happening this year.

2. Acey Mac



Sweet and juicy, this cousin to the McIntosh is just right for anytime snacking! You met their family, and they yours. Were they so bad? If you’d known that alcoholism wasn’t a laughing matter in their family you wouldn’t have made that crack about Aunt Bonnie. How were you supposed to know? Was that the beginning of the end?

3. Braeburn



Slice a super-crisp Braeburn into your next salad for an apple-tastic crunch that’ll leave everyone asking for seconds! The only seconds you’re hungry for these days are chances, of course, but you squandered those long ago. Why do you insist on testing people?

4. Cameo



Let this tart treat make a “cameo” of its own in your next sauce dish- if you can stop yourself from eating them all up first! You can’t let yourself get fat now though, it’ll be so obvious why. Fatter, that is. That’s your problem, you just get too comfortable in relationships and never sense how fast the spark is dying. What if you got in insanely good shape for the spring, using this time like a chrysalis to emerge a beautiful butterfly next year? With Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner, it’s not very likely.

5. Cortland



A fruit salad staple, snow-white Cortlands take an especially long time to brown when cut. You’ll want to show them off to the whole neighborhood! Not locked away like you were embarrassed to be seen with them. If only you two had gone out more- like, OUT-out, not just laid in bed with your laptops at day’s end.

6. Crispin



Originally named the Mutsu, this apple of Japanese descent shines in roast dishes and freezes wonderfully- talk about versatile! You spoke often of traveling together, but if that camping trip with Dave and Kara was indication, its probably better that you never did. There were so many things you spoke about and never did.

7. Empire



Kids love this tart, crunchy variety; a “big apple” in flavor AND size! It was so crazy, how casually the topic of kids came up early in your time together- and how cool you both were about it! You both loved the name “Charlotte”, and the fact that neither of you had actually met a Charlotte in real life was part of the appeal. Well, you certainly won’t be meeting any Charlottes now.

8. Fortune



The slightly spicy Fortune was developed at Cornell University. Lucky for us, it only costs as much as a regular apple! Where are you going to find the money to move? Nobody moves in the fall.

9. Fuji



No need for sugar when you’re making delicious applesauce from the Fuji; blend in a second variety and its sweetness will carry both flavors! Were that love as simple as applesauce. You were there for them as they struggled with their career- not that you’re keeping score! But the first sign of professional frustration from you? Oh-ho-ho, look who packs up and runs! It’s so fucked. They’re so fucked. You don’t want to be with someone who treats you like that anyways, except you definitely still do.

10. Gala



Galas may have a thin skin, but you’ll find no need to speak ill of their mild flavor and beautiful, bright color! Perhaps if you yourself had displayed thicker skin you would still be together with the person you seriously thought about starting a family with, but no. You’ve always been too sensitive, and you always will be.

11. Ginger Gold



Introduce tart overtones to any fresh-cut fruit dish with this new variety- there’s GOLD in them there apples! Come to think of it, another warning sign was when they didn’t go to Matt and Danielle’s wedding because they “had to” paint their apartment that weekend. It was a wedding! They could have painted literally any other weekend.

12. Golden Delicious



A honey sweet treat that can’t be beat, Goldens aren’t actually related to the Red Delicious- but that doesn’t mean their name is any less true! So do you unfriend their family members on Facebook, or wait for them to do it? Wait for them to do it. You didn’t cause this. Let them explain it to their parents. Let them clean up their own mess for once.

13. Honeycrisp



Honeycrisp Honeycrisp, me want Honeycrisp! Kids and teens alike can’t help but “fall” for this relatively new variety and its ultra-crisp texture. What day is today? All has begun blurring together. You never realized just how integral a part of your day-to-day life they were, did you? Yet another thing you took for granted.

14. Idared



A rosy apple born for baking. Leave the skin on in the oven to get that pretty-in-pink stain that guests go bananas for! You saw that they were still getting emails from OKCupid and they laughed it off, saying that their account was deactivated- but people with deactivated accounts don’t still get emails from OKCupid, do they!!!

15. Jersey Mac



Who loves these pretty babies? Everybody loves these Jersey Boys! Mac’s tender flesh cooks fast, so add a thickener if you’re making a pie. How about this fall, you become the Fuck Machine you’ve always wanted to be? Because you never really wanted to be in a relationship, it was just a trick. They tricked you into loving them, and you fell for it because you’re a chump. Deep down you’ve always known there’s no such thing as love. We’re all just animals, and animals fuck.

16. Jonagold



How do they get that Jonagold so creamy? Cross a mellow Golden Delicious and a tart Jonathan and you’ll see- rather, you’ll taste! What kinds of liquors taste like apples? Why not try them all?

17. Jonamac



This complex cousin of the McIntosh is sweeter, with savory nutmeg undertones a true apple connoisseur won’t soon forget! Another thing you won’t soon forget? Their face, and how only someone who knew you this well could hurt you so badly.

18. Macoun



You’re heard of mac and cheese, but Macoun and cheese? Serve aromatic Macoun slices on cheddar for a sophisticated fall dessert! You wash and wash, yet their smell still lingers on your bedding. Was that smell always there? Perhaps if they came back you could smell them again to be sure, but they’ve asked you to stop texting. You don’t ask for shit though, because you don’t need shit. You’re a Fuck Machine. Fuck Machines don’t “ask”, they fuck, and drink apple liquors. Fuck, fuck, fuck, drink, drink, drink, text, text, text.

19. McIntosh



When John McIntosh first discovered the varietal that bears his name in 1811, there was no way he could have known he’d be setting the standard for Autumn apples- just like there was no way you could have stopped them from leaving. Happy 204th McBirthday- to you!

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