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As of this year, buying an eighth in Colorado became the equivalent of buying a six pack, and earlier this month Andrew Cuomo announced that he has a plan to let a little bit more of the good stuff into the epicenter of the East Coast. Governor Cuomo’s weed addendum will have a few dozen hospitals prescribing mary jane to those suffering from cancer and other terminal and/or treacherous diseases. Lazier and less sick smokers are hopeful that the laws in New York will eventually loosen into a system as seen in present day California, and already many have picked “insomnia” as the excuse for the green doctor. Below is a list of the overlooked ailments** that marijuana has been helping cure since cannabis seeds were used as sustenance in China in 4000 B.C.:
Perhaps you drove across the country to chase a dream you are just realizing might not exist, or maybe you are so far off from your life’s bullseye that your family kinda stopped inviting you home for the holidays and you’re sitting at Outback by yourself wondering “it’s been how many years since I should’ve technically graduated college?” Maybe your hour long trial on Lavalife expired and you can’t even jack it on the phone anymore. Damn, shit sounds bad. You’ve got to smoke weed. It’s the only way to indefinitely procrastinate finding out that you don’t have a purpose in life that is special and that no one will ever be impressed by you.
WEIRD EMBARRASSING EMOTIONAL THINGS
Are you really affected by those new Google tablet commercials where the kid learns how to give a speech or the one where the college aged kid hears that his dog is dying? Light up before you start recalling childhood pets chronologically.
Eh. You’re not bad, you’re not good, you’re not going to do anything tonight, and that’s comforting because it’s just like last night and tomorrow. Get nowhere quicker with weed. You can’t make fruit appear magically on a tree in winter, and nothing cool is going to happen today.
PICKY EATING because you’re poor not because you don’t know good food
Weed makes most anything edible. Explore the limits of what is and isn’t edible. Also helpful at preventing hurt cooking egos belonging to all our Caucasian friends from improv class who truly believe they can make “curry”.
You’re on edge. Someone is wrong or something wrong has been done to you. Save yourself from both sweating the small stuff and from being on The People’s Court*; once irritated, smoke then reevaluate. If still mad, then proceed. But, odds are you’ll just get a pizza.
*Smoking weed may in fact increase the odds of being a litigant on The Peoples Court.
**Do not use these ailments to gain medical card in any state, regardless of how baggy your weed doctors cargo shorts are.