1. “I think my quality of life would greatly improve if I bought a fish tank.”

2. “What do you think, Laura? Should I buy a fish tank?”

3. “Seriously? You don’t think a fish tank would look cool in our apartment?”

4. “Fine, have it your way. Regardless, can I borrow $800? I swear it’s not for anything fish-related.”

5 “Sweet! I’ve got $800. I’m practically a millionaire. What am I going to do with all this cash?


6. “You gotta spend money to make money, so I think I’m gonna buy a fish tank.”

7. “Hello, Pet Store Employee. I’m in the market for an aquarium. Whaddya got for under a grand?”

8. “”Anything bigger? I’m looking for shock value here.”

9. “Now that’s what I’m talking about. Ring me up!”

10. “Do you guys offer any special financing on fish tanks?”


11. “$250/month for 2 years? Hell yeah!”

12. “ I’m the proud owner of a fish tank, and I still have $800 in cash to buy fish. Killer!”

13. “Excuse me, sir? You look like someone who knows their way around the black market. Do you have any information on the underground exotic fish trade? Specifically, where I could procure the highly-prized and highly-illegal Platinum Arowana?”

14. “A-ha, so my assumptions were correct. Hows about you wise up and spill some beans on the fish then, huh Mac? I ain’t got all day.”

15. “34-54 South Ozone Boulevard. In Queens. Third floor, door marked “Janitor.” Write that down for me, would ya Mac?”

16. “Here’s $20 for telling me where the man who has the illegal fish lives. Take it easy, Mac.”



17. “34-54 South Ozone Boulevard, and step on it.”

18. “What’s your name? Shazi? Okay, Shazi, wait here and keep the meter running. If I’m not back in 30 minutes, it’s because an illegal fish dealer murdered me.”

19. “Swordfish. The password is Swordfish.”

20. “Give me the baddest, boldest, most illegal fish you got, chief. And make it snappy, I gotta cabbie outside runnin’ the meter.”


21. “The Platinum Arowana! This is definitely the baddest, boldest fish here. And for only $800? Boy, it’s my lucky day!”

22. “OK—I actually only have $780. I gave $20 to Mac for telling me where your house is. That cool?”

23. “And I’m going to need at least $50 for Shazi, the cab driver waiting outside. Can you give me the Arowana for $730?”

24. “Seriously? You’re gonna split hairs over 70 beans? Fuck you. Seriously — fuck you. I’m taking the fucking fish. Deal with it.”

25. “Shazi! Drive! NOW! No—NO—there’s no time to explain—JUST FLOOR IT, MOTHERFUCKER, people want me dead for stealing a fish! Take a left, we’re going to my sister’s house on Long Island.”


26. “We can lay low here for a couple months. My sister said the Arowana can live in the pool. Oh, don’t give me that look, Shazi. You’re neck-deep in this too, and you know it.

27. “Shazi, spending the last six months with you in hiding at my sister’s house has been the greatest period of my adult life.”

28. “Yes, I will gladly marry you Shazi, and the Arowana can be our child. We shall name him Arrow, as in from Cupid’s Bow, who in his infinite wisdom struck our twin hearts and made them one.

29. “I’ve made a huge mistake. My quality of life most definitely did not improve. I had a great job, a great girlfriend, and a great apartment — and I gave it all up to marry a cab driver and live in my sister’s garage and take care of a fish that lives in the pool. On top of that, I’m turning 30 next week. That’s so old! Maybe if I bought a skateboard, I would look younger, and cooler. Those teenagers look so young and cool on their skateboards.”

30. “I think my quality of life would greatly improve if I bought a skateboard.”


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