Brr! It’s cold out here! The entire Northeast has endured a blizzard of historic proportions, and while many scrambled to the store in the hopes that a few loaves of bread and an extra gallon of milk can save them, the real “winter warriors” know that only the ancient gods of ice and darkness can offer any real chance for salvation. So here are the five snow spirits that you should be slaughtering your fatted calves to this winter!
Worried about getting seamless delivery in this weather? Make like a Wendigo and get cannibal-crazy! This horrifying visage of icy dread comes to us via the Algonquin peoples, who told tales of this northern demon’s insatiable craving for human flesh. Not only is it a great way to get much-needed calories during this snowy hell-storm, but you can also puzzle over how a Wendigo eating people counts as cannibalism. I guess they used to be human? Who cares, just “ice” your slowest roommate and start chompin’!
2. Jack Frost
This delightful sprite from English folklore is known for nipping noses, which let’s be clear, means this little elf is going to bite your face. Fun! Jack Frost is known as the bringer of frost, which means this blizzard is technically his fault, and not the result of manmade climate change. What’s that? 5 of the Top 10 snowstorms in New York have happened since 2003? Shut your stupid mouth and crank up the thermostat before the Ice Prince hears you and kills us all!
A big storm calls for a big spirit, and when it comes to ice deities, there’s none bigger than Ymir! For those couples out there who use bad weather as an excuse to get busy, you already have your way of keeping warm, but what about us single folks? Never fear, just think of Ymir! This father of the cosmos existed in the ineffable coldness of the void, but that didn’t stop him from birthing the first generation of Gods and Giants from his armpits and butthole! Congrats, Mr. Ymir, it’s Triplets!
The North Wind himself, Boreas is the perfect spirit to pray away the weather when you’re battling hurricane-force gales in the rime-crusted hellscape of New York City! Whether you need to make it to work on time, or would rather be whisked away to a dread castle to marry a polar bear prince, Boreas has got your back! Just make sure that you dismiss him once you’ve invoked his name, otherwise he might just pucker up his cheeks and blow away all human civilization in an eternal ice age!
Watch out, fellas! This beautiful Japanese ice ghost may seem friendly, but the hatred that burns in her cold heart is more than enough to kill you in one blink of her supernatural eyes! Some say the Yuki-Onna represents the soul of a woman who died of frostbite, so feel free to ask her for some advice on what not to do when the big blizzard hits! Just ask nicely, or Ms. Onna might turn you into a fox and let you get eaten by your hunting dogs! Talk about getting the cold shoulder!
Brennan Lee Mulligan is a writer, actor and improviser who performs regularly at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York. He is the writer of the popular webcomic and graphic novel “Strong Female Protagonist,” and is also a cast member of the nationally-acclaimed Story Pirates.