If you haven’t already asked someone to prom it’s because you’re lazy, smart or are stressing over how to ask your best friend without getting your heart broken if/when they say no. Well, I’ve been sexually rejected by friends more times than I can count (11) and am still close with all of them. That’s because I perfected the art of asking friends on dates in a way that can be easily dismissed as a joke. Here are 5 cool techniques from my playbook!
1. “Wouldn’t it be crazy if we went to prom together?”
Hypotheticals are classic covers for any and all humiliating questions. “Wouldn’t it be crazy if we kissed right now,” “Ew, what if we just said fuck it and finally slept together,” and “What if we turned off the lights and had 5 seconds to grab whatever we want,” are all lines I’ve used and they’ve worked like a charm. When your friend/co-worker/trainer says, “Ew, Jackie, gross,” you come back with a quick “Duh, I said WHAT IF!” Rep = saved.
2. “We should go to prom together just to mess with people.”
This one makes you sound rebellious and cool while also feeling out whether your friend is interested in you. Only works if you’re kind of cool and anti, like me/Judd Nelson from The Breakfast Club.
3. “Oh god, our parents would FREAK if we went to prom with each other.”
Perfect for a childhood friend. Your parents secretly hope you’ll wind up together but come on — it’s Jenny from next door, you can’t marry Jenny from next door no matter how many times you dream about it. But you can ask her to prom while you’re hanging out under that willow tree in her front yard WITHOUT looking like a damn goober afterward.
4. “Hm, truth? Ok, would you HATE going to prom with me?”
Truth or dare takes a lot of effort to set up but once you’re there, oh baby. You can jokingly ask SO many questions and duck out when you don’t get the answer you wanted. I used this method last week on a co-worker and it worked like a charm. I confirmed that he doesn’t want to date me but he also doesn’t know that I have a crush on him. See how that worked perfectly for me?
5. I’ll kill myself if you don’t go to prom with me.
Gotta have some acting chops for this one which, being a massive emotional coward, I do. Whip yourself up into a frenzy, maybe rub your eyes like you’ve been crying. Approach your friend and in a hoarse whisper, threaten self-harm if they won’t go to prom with you. If they say no, laugh and say “I’m kidding, God!” Then spend every day of the rest of senior year sitting down in the shower, wondering whether you ever had a chance.
Go sort-of-but-not-really-get em, tiger!