Starbucks is starting to serve beer and wine at five more locations this week, bringing the total number of Starbucks locations selling alcohol to 70 nationwide. This may seem odd at first, but on second thought, there are plenty of situations where booze at Starbucks might be nice and handy. Here are a few of my favorites:
1. Your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you. This is a classic sad Starbucks scenario. Caroline brings you to a public place so you don’t make a scene. Ha, oh Caroline. How foolish. She couldn’t have been more wrong. You sob and beg at the top of your lungs for her to reconsider. She exits as quickly as she can without seeming like a bad person. You’re a total mess. Already humiliated, you wipe those tears and hit the Starbucks pinot. Hard.
2. You realize your 120-page screenplay is total shit. Oh no. You thought today was going to be a celebration! You finally finished that last page and decide to read it all the way through for the first time. Wow. This. Is. BAD. Your protagonist says the line “I love me and I hate me, but I guess that’s what this little old life’s about,” TWO SEPARATE TIMES. Cynthia? Who’s Cynthia?! You forgot she was even a character! Oh jeez. Time to reluctantly ask your old college professor for notes and succumb to the fact that you’ll be waiting tables at Applebee’s for the rest of your life. Time to binge drink some Starbucks curated craft beers.
3. You just paid 6 dollars for an orange juice. NO. You didn’t realize it would be this much. When the cashier told you the total, you didn’t want to back out, because it would be embarrassing. So what if it’s Evolution FreshTM cold-pressed juice? You don’t care! You want to ease the pain, and you’ve paid a lot already, what difference will a few more dollars worth of Jack Daniels Frappuccino make?
4. You just posted your long, heated rant about “hookup culture” to your blog and found a typo. Easy fix, just delete the original post, paste it again, and this time get rid of the error. Alright, it’s deleted. And paste. And paste. Paste. Shit. Did you forget to copy it? How could this happen?! You could have sworn that you saved it somewhere, but nope, it’s gone forever. Now the world won’t know why traditional dating needs to be restored ASAP! Time to put back a few glasses of that Rosé latte.
5. You’re a working barista, and customers won’t stop giving you hell about spelling their names wrong. OK, so you don’t immediately know to spell Megan like Mehghan, so what? You’re in a loud, busy coffee shop, who would fault you for it? Mehghan would. Loudly. In front of your boss. Time to write your own name on some Starbucks Prosecco bottles, and make the most out of your employee discount. Take that, Mehghan.
6. “Can’t Feel My Face” by the Weeknd just came on the Starbucks radio and honestly, you just can’t NOT get drunk to that song.