Not sure what to get your dad for Father’s Day? Of course you’re not. No one is. Dads are mysterious characters whose specific personalities and interests are unknown. Yes they inseminated our mothers and raised us from the day we were born, but other than that, who are they and what is their deal?

Though none of us have ever learned any personal details about our own fathers, society has taught us that fathers as a whole share one common link: they LOVE golf. We can’t explain why, but the fact is all dads, without exception, are obsessed with playing golf, watching golf, discussing golf, sitting in the dark and thinking silently to themselves about golf — literally anything at all related to golf.

With that in mind, here is a list of gift ideas that are guaranteed to make your dad happy because they incorporate his favorite thing ever, golf.

1. This tie with golf balls on it – $7.99
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Do dads wear ties? We can’t say for sure. Nevertheless, this sporty neck garment is a safe bet for any father, as it is decorated with golf balls, an exciting visual reminder of golf that will get your dad’s heart pumping.

2. This mug with golf balls on it – $12.99
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What do dads like to drink? Hot coffee? Freezing cold milk? Juice? The truth is we don’t know if dads drink anything at all. We simply don’t have that information. But when your dad unwraps this mug covered in golf balls, get ready to watch his eyes light up, as seeing golf balls is one of the most thrilling sensations a dad can experience.

3. This bobble head doll of a golfer – $9.99
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This fun piece will look great on your dad’s desk, which is something he has? Maybe on the mantle? I’m confused, does he live in a house? Where does he go during the day?


4. These Tiger Woods brand back-to-school supplies – $17.99
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No matter what grade your dad is in- 3rd grade, 8th grade, college- he’ll get tons of use out of this practical, golf-inspired back-to-school set from Tiger Woods’ partnership with Office Depot. Wait, are we supposed to be picking up our dads from school? Because I’ve never done that.

5. This piece of tinfoil with “GOLF” written on it – $0.02
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Dads are like birds, they’re attracted to shiny paper. (I think?!) I’ll be honest, this one was pretty much just a guess.

6. A membership to a golf club – $10,000/ year
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While this gift option is by far the most expensive, think about how much money you’ll save on future Father’s Day gifts now that your dad lives on this large field and is no longer part of your family.

 

Rob Tanchum is a comedian in New York City. He does comedy at UCB and beatboxing in the shower. Follow him on twitter @tanch

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