SkyMall—your favorite in-flight catalog and place to put your gum—has just declared bankruptcy. This news will have severe impacts on your quality of life, but you can minimize it now if you hurry up and buy these things you didn’t know you need so badly.
This T-Shirt Scented Like A New York Slice Of Pizza
You’re going to need to find a mate in the post-SkyMall world, and it’s not going to be easy. Quite simply, until you buy this shirt laced with pizza pheromones, you’ve squandered all of your potential.
This Framed Photo of Nolan Ryan Punching Robin Ventura
Nothing says “Welcome to my home!” like this.
These Foot-Massaging Flip Flops
What’s the point of standing and enduring social interaction if you can’t be receiving a foot massage in the process? Take these to all the family BBQs this summer and make things bearable for yourself. And let’s be clear, this ain’t no weird, knobby massage provided by some sex-toy looking machine. No, these bad boys target your feet with electrodes—probably giving you that loss-of-bowel-control type of stimulation that you definitely crave.
Poe’s Walking Stick
Important: This walking stick comes with the disclaimer “not recommended for orthopedic use.” That’s because it’s the “Get off my lawn” stick to shake at children that you’re definitely going to need in the post-SkyMall world we’re entering.
Not only does this monofin allow you to live your dream of swimming like a mermaid, it also doubles as a tray that you can serve food & beer on as an apology when you alienate everyone else at the adult pool party.
This Adult Jumping Ball
Is $29.99 too much for you to pay for the best time of your adult life? Because this full-grown, adult man doesn’t think so.