Everyone who works with a computer eventually has this thought: “I’d sure like to bite this laptop!” With their sleek design, smooth surface, and thin dimensions, laptops are just begging for their users to bite them. But here are a few things to consider before you close your mouth on your portable PC:

It’s not food, so don’t swallow any of it: Anyone who’s bitten their laptop will tell you that some pieces are bound to fall off. It should go without saying, but laptops are not made of anything edible, and no part of it should be ingested when you’re biting it. Besides, no one bites their laptop to eat it!

Make sure you have all your adult teeth: Sorry kids, those baby teeth are not for biting laptops! It’s best to wait until all of your adult teeth have grown before you clench them on your laptop. And it’s not just about teeth: it’s actually much more meaningful to bite your laptop as an adult. Trust us on this, you’ll be glad you waited!

Crank up the Bright Eyes: Admit it, you like Bright Eyes and grudgingly respect Conor Oberst’s back catalogue of folk, electronica and country tunes. So right before you put your laptop in a mouth squeeze, press play on I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning or put the song “Lover I Don’t Have To Love” on repeat. Because when your lips pass over that smooth metal, the warbly vocals of Conor Oberst will only enhance the experience.


Put those straws away, you don’t need them! That’s right: all those straws taped on your walls, threaded through your shoelaces, and floating in your eavestroughs can stay put. Since no part of your laptop is liquid, and you’ll be chewing, not drinking, you can keep those tiny suck tubes where they belong!

Breath deep, because you won’t be breathing for the next hour: After someone bites their laptop, a non-inhalation reflex kicks so that you you can focus on nibblin’ up that Macbook. But before you put tongue to computer, take a large breath so that your blood and vital organs remain oxygenated for the full hour of laptop biting.

Clear your calendar of any Supreme Court oral arguments: Whether pleading for the prosecution or the defense, biting your laptop means you need to cancel all of the cases you’re arguing in front of the Supreme Court. It’s an honor to stand in front of judiciary body for sure, but if you want to bite your laptop, then that’s going to have to take priority. Plan instead on filing a friend of the court brief in any cases that you want to show your support of — then get chompin’ on that laptop!

David writes sketch comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York for the Maude team (212) and contribute headlines to The Onion. David has been featured in McSweeney’s and Splitsider.

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