Wow, who is that pensive girl in the corner of the party? Or that mysterious man who, while he might not be the center of attention, has you captivated with those deep, soul-piercing eyes? Looks like you’ve fallen for an introvert! And while relationships with introverts can take you to new heights of passion and intimacy, there are 6 things you’ve got to know before trying to date one of these thoughtful, self-reflective individuals.
1. Capitalism, As A System, Is Founded Upon Exploitation
Before you grab that introvert off the dance floor and make for the front door, there’s one thing you should know: Capitalism is predicated upon the principle of extracting value from both the environment and your fellow man. You might be used to dating people whose personalities are “large and in charge,” but before you try to get that introvert’s number, stop and consider this: Any industrialist driven by the profit motive must pay his employees less than the value of the work they produce. Thus, capitalism is by design a form of theft.
2. American Democracy Has Always Relied On A Marginalized Underclass
Looks like you’ve gotten bit bad by the introvert love bug! Well, before you go and try to plant a smooch on that shy guy or girl, you’d better wake up and realize that “All Men Are Created Equal” has never been true in either practice or principle at any time in this nation’s history. The same documents that trumpeted our country’s love of liberty condemned blacks to slavery, and it’s been less than 100 years since women won the right to vote.
3. There Is No God
You have a crush on an introvert? Well don’t worry about whether or not you guys are “soulmates,” because souls aren’t real and God is a lie. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, and any deity you could drum up out of your daddy-projecting subconscious would have to allow for the existence of suffering in the world, which leads us to the sad conclusion that even if God does exist, he/she/it willfully allows for the presence of Evil.
4. Dad’s Not Coming Home
Dad’s not coming home. He’s never coming home. He never wanted you in the first place.
5. Everyone Dies
Odds are your introvert sweetheart is a human being. In less than 100 years, they will be dead, and any difference that existed between them and the attention-sucking extroverts surrounding them will be measurable only by the writing on their headstones.
6. All Is Lost
Who cares. Date, don’t date. Talk, don’t talk. It doesn’t matter. In a trillion years, the universe will have expanded to the point where the closest atoms will still be light-years away from each other. And when the universe eventually does expand into its inevitable heat-death, whether or not you learned six bullshit tricks to interact with another adult human being will matter as much then as it did now: Not at all.
Brennan Lee Mulligan is a writer, actor and improviser who performs regularly at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York. He is the writer of the popular webcomic and graphic novel “Strong Female Protagonist,” and is also a cast member of the nationally-acclaimed Story Pirates. Follow him on twitter @BrennanLM.