Well it’s been a long, hard winter that has kept us trapped indoors for weeks at a time. Which also meant NO RUNNING OUTSIDE. Now that the sun is peeking its head out, and the mountains of snow are melting into rivers of filth, there are no reasons to delay getting back on the exercise train. Or are there? Here are some helpful excuses to keep you stagnant.

“I gotta ease into it
It’s been a long winter of wearing sweatpants constantly and binge watching “Peaky Blinders” on Netflix. What are you going to just jump right in to running after you have been in this semi-atrophied state for months? No. You gotta take your time..however long that is. Sounds plausible right? So take off those sneakers and start up another episode of “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”.

“Something doesn’t feel right in my foot
Or anywhere else in your body. Fake injuries are a sure fire way to convince yourself that you need to “take it easy” for a little bit more. Bodies always feel weird, so embrace any little off feeling as a total excuse not to hit the blacktop. Something vague like “shin splints”. I don’t know what those are really, and neither does anyone else. But WebMD will back you up.

“Daylight Savings really has thrown me off
Man that time change is nuts right? Use that to your advantage. Let that time change “throw off your whole schedule” so you just can’t fit in that 15 minute run.

“Well, I can’t run on an empty stomach
That would be terrible! You need energy! Everyone knows that. So cook yourself a big elaborate breakfast. Realize you have more food in the house than you thought and do it up right. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day after all. By the time you get food in you, it will probably be too late in the day to get that run in..or…

“Dammit, I just ate
You can’t run on a full stomach. You will get so much gas and make yourself feel sick. Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten a full English breakfast. No regrets. You will make sure tomorrow you will get that run in. Nothing will stop you then.

“Oh man, I already showered
You went into autopilot and hoped right in the shower. Oops. Well now you can’t run because you are all clean. Look you can go for a run later tonight. It will be cooler anyways and…but you really don’t like to shower twice in a day though right? I mean that will really dry out your skin. Yep. Better hold off on that jog for just one more day.

“Insert any lie here
Look whatever it takes to get you out of this run, DO IT! Running late, car got hit, someone died, WHATEVER! Running is the worst. It’s a punishment in every sport you played growing up and now you are trying to treat it like it should be a joy. Well it isn’t. So just admit defeat, put on those sweatpants and fire up the Xbox. I’m sure you will get back to it…someday.

Geoff Garlock is a grown adult man who knows a LOT about heavy metal, but NOTHING about pop culture. He is also a writer in NYC who teaches sketch comedy at the UCB. You can sample his wares at UCB’s monthly show, “Night Late” or @GGarlock.



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