We’ve all been there. At one point or another, everyone’s called Dave by the wrong name. Maybe you were trying to razz him with a funny nickname, or maybe you thought a little pet name would be endearing, or perhaps it was just an honest mistake. Whatever the reason, Dave hates it, and what’s more puzzling, he seems to hate some names more than others. Here’s a list of the 7 names you should definitely avoid calling Dave.
There’s just no two ways around it, Dave’s name is not Dan, and he knows it. The last time I saw Dave get called Dan, he full-on screamed for what felt like hours and broke every computer in the office. Pretty clear that Dave doesn’t like being called Dan.
If you thought calling Dave “Dan” was bad, you’re going to hate calling him Sean. Maybe “Dan” is slightly better because it also starts with a D? Whatever the case, when Carl called him Sean at the Christmas party, Dave went black in the eyes and slammed his fist into Carl’s stomach so hard that Carl barfed and fainted in mid-air.
3. Christopher Columbus
Okay, so there’s a bit of a story behind this one. Some of the people from the office got together on Columbus Day to go bowling. Dave seemed confused about where the bathroom was, so Terry called him “Christopher Columbus,” just as a little joke. Big. Mistake. Dave physically stuffed Terry into the bowling ball chute and then jammed a bunch of our shoes down there to plug up the hole. Haven’t seen him since.
I don’t know whether it’s the fact that Margaret is a girl’s name or not, but Dave got called Margaret by a client at the office, and he hurled the guy through a plate glass window into the blades of a passing helicopter (We work on the top floor of the tallest skyscraper in Dubai). Whatever you do, don’t call Dave “Margaret.”
5. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
I won’t lie, I’m not sure if Dave hates the name “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,” or just the name “John Jay,” because he tore both of Kyle’s arms off before he was even halfway done with the first line of the song.
Not everyone gets why we hired Dave, a 400-pound Silverback gorilla, to work in our software company on the top floor of the Burj Khalifa. But what’s done is done, and just because you can visually confirm that Dave is a gorilla doesn’t mean it’s wise to yell “Hey, Gorilla!” at him. That is unless you like to get grabbed by the legs and smashed into your own desk for the better part of a day.
Woe betide the man who calls Dave “Dave.” I wish I had an answer for why this sets him off so badly. I wish the world made more sense, that people were kinder to each other, and that I didn’t work side-by-side with an enormous, angry primate removed from his natural habitat and food supply. Just know this: A miniature, custom-made apocalypse awaits the man foolish enough to call Dave by his own name. By the time Dave pulls your spine out of your ass and strangles you with it, you will have long since lost all sense of time and space in the recursive pain-vortex of Dave’s infinite cruelty. I don’t know what you can call Dave instead of “Dave,” but suffice it to say, literally anything else is a better option.
Brennan Lee Mulligan is a writer, actor and improviser who performs regularly at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York. He is the writer of the popular webcomic and graphic novel “Strong Female Protagonist,” and is also a cast member of the nationally-acclaimed Story Pirates. Follow him on twitter @BrennanLM.