Got one of those ‘healthy’ kids? The kind of kid who prefers veggies to mac and cheese because it’s ‘better’ for them? The kind of kid who asks if there’s homework when the teacher clearly forgot? The kind of kid who thinks they are better than you, their mother? Well remember: It’s your job as a parent to make sure they eat a bunch of fun, crap food before they get old and it really matters.

Here are 7 ways to slip macaroni and cheese into your kid’s veggies.

7. Puree it and dump it over their veggies: Tell them its some kind of smoothie or some other nonsense they would be into.

6. Give them Robitussen, wait until they are sleepy and slip it under their spinach pile: This is a fine and ok thing to do and works for things besides getting them to eat junk food. They will be so tired they will eat every bite and the next morning you will know they love junk food just like you.

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Remember: You are better. You are strong. you WILL win.


5. Tell them it’s wet carrots: Some say kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I say kids can’t balance a checkbook or use a toilet aka they’re dumb. Just tell them the mac n cheese is soggy carrot noodles and they’ll literally eat it up.

4. Force them: You don’t have to slip anything into your kids food if you don’t want to. As a parent you have all the control. Never forget it, even when they become stronger and more agile than you. Tell them you will burn their Vitamix if they don’t eat their mac and cheese. Mean it.

3. Have it freeze dried like Space Food, ground into a powder and sprinkle it on their mashed yams: This process is expensive but nearly undetectable even to them most finicky child.

2. Painstakingly paint each individual macaroni green: Again kids are so stupid, almost too stupid to be believed. If you paint each of their macs green, they will be camouflaged in a pile of kale. Your kid will be like, “Why does this taste so good” and you’ll be like “Because I’m smarter than you, Michaela.”

1. Distract them with close magic: Magicians use misdirection to accomplish their tricks. But what if the magic IS the misdirectio? Hire that sick magician from your company’s office party to perform close magic while your kid eats. She’ll be so distracted she won’t even notice that every other forkful of rainbow chard is actually mac and cheese. Voila! The magic of parenting.

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