As summer winds down and they scurry to Office Max for fresh, plastic-wrapped binders, the nation’s entering class of 7th grade boys have no idea that when they walk in the door on the first day of school, they will be met with a veritable wall of full-on titties, as grown by their female counterparts.

“There’s really nothing we can do to adequately prepare them,” says a local principal who wished to remain anonymous since he was discussing his female students’ titties. “Girls in 7th grade come back with fully-formed breasts while the boys come back just as bumbling, mystified and helpless as they were last year. It’s a perfect storm.”


In recent years, some boys have been so disoriented by the sheer volume of breast flesh surrounding them, they’ve lost consciousness and been sent home. One boy, Jason Simmons, died.

“I told him not to look directly at the titties, cuz he’d never seen any so close up, in real life like that,” says the late Jason’s best friend, Davey. “The last thing he said was, ‘I think I can see some nip-’ Then he exploded.”

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