The Apple Watch announcement made a splash in the tech community yesterday, but Macintosh isn’t the first one to the wearable tech party. We hit the streets and found 9 other pieces of digital accessories we absolutely love:

 

NoDeux Digital Chastity Belt
This little gadget is a silicon belt that can only be unlocked remotely via Apple’s patented thumbprint-recognizing technology. The NoDeux provides a much-needed upgrade from the 16th-century Chastity belts we’ve been using until now. It comes in two protective versions: vagina and butt.

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The NoDeux Digital Chastity Belt, shown here in the version for a vagina.

 

YouVula
Samsung takes its first foray into wearable tech with the YouVula, a pincher robot that attaches to the dangly thing in the back of your throat and alerts the user of bad breath. It comes in three different colors and is WiFi enabled. It has a beautiful 1920×1080 HD Retina color display. Apple must be kicking themselves for not thinking of this first.

 

ContraseptiV Wristlet
Wearable tech so well designed, women will actually want to wear it. This fashionable gizmo slips around the wrist and shoots birth control pills into your mouth. It’s got incredible features you won’t believe fit in a wristwatch: it’s Bluetooth enabled, iTunes compatible, and syncs to your Gmail calendar so it knows to start chucking the sugar pills into your mouth instead of the hormone ones.

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ContraceptiV Wristlet, for the woman on the go.

 

Get-it-Down
Get-it-Down is a choker necklace that pushes food down your throat so you never have to expend extra energy on swallowing. The sleek necklace slowly strangles your throat in a downward motion, pushing the chewed (or unchewed, up to you) food through your esophagus. The device is so subtle can even be worn on a date or in business meetings.

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Sync your Get-it-Down Choker with your Spotify account so you can listen to your favorite music while not chewing.


 

The Life Blogger ShameCam
With a release date set for fall 2016, this bodycam records everything you do for 24 hours a day and immediately uploads the videos to YouTube. Those private fleeting moments will no longer be private or fleeting, as they’ll exist forever on an un-deletable storage unit in the sky that only strangers have control over.

 

SmartMonicle™
This is Google Glass but instead of both eyes, it’s just one.

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The SmartMonicle™ will make you look cool and not like a weirdo.

 

f00der
f00der is a silicon sensor that manages your food intake after a doctor surgically implants it inside your stomach, similar to the Nike Fuelband. If the food is healthy, f00der will keep it in your stomach to absorb nutrients. If the program detects unhealthy nutrients, it will prematurely eject the food by shooting it real hard out of your butthole.

 

StaabGlöves
Having trouble motivating yourself to work out? Set on a solar-powered timer, these iPhone-compatible gloves gently stab your hands until you go to the gym (available in orange, blue, and black wolfchrome).

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StaabGlöves, shown here in black wolfchrome.

 

CoqRing
This breathable soft plastic ring fits snugly around your penis and keeps track of your urinary expulsion and sperm count, so you don’t have to. It also alerts the user when they have achieved an erection, letting out a high-pitched, non-customizable alarm tone.

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