With some versions of the Apple Watch costing over $10,000, it’s safe to say that most of us won’t be purchasing one anytime soon. To make us all feel better about missing out on this exciting piece of technology, I’ve compiled a list of things the Apple Watch can’t do.

9. Help you carry a heavy bookcase upstairs.

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8. Hold your hand during a scary movie.

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7. Reconcile you and your ex-step-brother Jonah. Sure your parents aren’t married anymore but you hate that things got so contentious between you two by the end.

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6. Join you for a glass of wine and a laugh after a long day at work.

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5. You know, while we’re on the topic of Jonah: The Apple Watch can’t erase the time you and your high school friends made the mean song “My Name is Jonah” to the tune of Weezer’s “My Name is Jonas”. The lyrics were all about Jonah and how you once found him in your basement, making out with Sandy Marsh, the girl who got threw up in front of everyone at band camp. It was cruel to both of them and to this day, you regret it.

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4. Play you in 1:1 basketball in the park on Saturday mornings

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3. Reminisce about the good times you had together at Camp Gifford-Applejack

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2. OK, I guess we’re doing this: The Apple Watch can’t unpack the myriad feelings you had for Jonah. He came into your life at a point in time where you were basically a bundle of ever-shifting emotions. On top of being completely scarred from your parents’ divorce, you were a 13 year old girl! 13 year old girls are basically 75% feelings, 15% weird hair and 10% body glitter. How were you supposed to react when this equally damaged, sensitive boy (the same age as you) walks into your life, your family and your shared bathroom. If a therapist can’t unpack that shit 12+ years later, the Apple Watch DEFINITELY can’t.

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1. Yeah this one was going to be “Explain carob chips” but fuck it: The Apple can’t help you find and kiss Jonah, just once. Just to see.

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Jackie is a writer/actor based in NYC. She performs on Harold Night at the UCB and with her sketch team DR DJ. You can follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie.

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