Welcome back to the office! This holiday weekend was great, wasn’t it? We know. We don’t want to be back either. Because you’re probably still sweating out all that old vodka you found in your freezer that you drank on New Years, we’ve put together a very legitimate-looking article that covers all the professional bases so you can leave it up on your computer while you take a work nap or play Temple Run on your iPhone. Scroll down, and you’re welcome:

New Information Leads to Developments in The Field

In important business news today, the stocks were high. All the markets soared and the money people made blew up and got bigger. Good for us. Wall Street executives are saying “Oil investments are a failing entity, and everyone should be watching out for their IPOs, 401Ks, and MVPs.” Warren Buffett has a lot of money, we’re going to mention him.

China has been negotiating a peace treaty with Benghazi after a bunch of Russians spoke to Israel. Canada has taken a turn for the worse as the situation in South Africa still leaves British people baffled. America America America, earthquakes, global warming, obesity, inflation, human rights, airlines.

Numbers make it look like you’re reading about math. Here are a bunch of numbers: 50,891. 4, 1973, 0.04%, ~90, Twelve. (555) 867-5309, 1,092,400 .That last one was a pretty high number.

Here’s a list of elements in case your office is a science lab: Oxygen, Nitrogen, Gold, Aluminum, Hydrogen, Iron, Calcium, Helium, the Berrylium one I can’t spell, Zinc, Carbon, Argon, Salt. I can’t remember any more but I think that’s most of them.

Something here about how Detroit is doing.

We’re gonna put a quote here so it looks like the writer of this article did research on what a famous person said:

“Have you guys ever seen a flock of ducks flying in perfect formation? It’s beautiful. Pretty awesome the way they all stick together. Ducks never say die. Ever seen a duck fight? No way. Why? Because the other animals are afraid. They know that if they mess with one duck, they gotta deal with the whole flock. I’m proud to be a Duck, and I’d be proud to fly with any one of you. So how about it? Who’s a Duck?”

That was the Emilio Estevez speech from the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks. It’s pretty great. The whole movie is good, not just that speech.

Here’s a photo of two politicians shaking hands:

Also some charts:
chart cropped

And here’s where we’re gonna include a link to a New York Times piece that we didn’t read, but that has a very political-sounding title. It’s got the word “sanctions” in it. Oh man your boss is gonna be like “Wow look at my employee, reading all this smart stuff.”

This is the end of the article. Written by best-selling author Craig Person, a professor of a bunch of things at Princeton and the editor of The New Yorker, the magazine.

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