Hello! Greetings from Isla Nublar! You’re receiving this letter because you’re a valued Season Pass Holder at the brand new, finally completed, Jurassic World Theme Park!
Whether you’ve purchased a pass on our Tyrannosaurus, Velociraptor, or Triceratops ticket tier, we’re thrilled that you will soon be joining us at our groundbreaking, world-class entertainment and resort complex. Here are some updates from behind the gates!
– Come hungry, because Jurassic World is the proud home of three state-of-the-art food courts! And a Rainforest Cafe!
– Fast Passes for the Gyrosphere are on sale now! If you want to roll around at arm’s length from a Brachiosaurus, protected in a safe glass ball, the last thing you need is to wait in a long line!
– We should probably mention that yes, scientists are experimenting with creating a genetically modified ‘hybrid’ dinosaur, and yes, they are doing these experiments on the island. No, we do not think that anything could go wrong, and yes, we do think this is a good idea.
– Did we mention there are THREE food courts?! There’s also a “Snack Shack.”
– Construction is finished on the Terror-dactyl, one of the tallest and fastest roller coasters in the Western Hemisphere. To quote one of our former employees, you’ll have to “hold onto your butts!” May he rest in peace.
– On a sadder note, there’s no doubt you’re all aware of the tragic events that transpired 22 years ago on Isla Nublar. Specifically, I’m talking about the time when five of our employees were killed by dinosaurs and a handful of guests were chased off the island by those very same dinosaurs. Since you have already bought your Season Passes, you must agree with us that there’s no way anything like that could ever happen again. It’s great that we’re all on the same page about this.
– Legally, we’re required to mention that the hybrid dinosaur is very, very large. Personally, I have not seen the hybrid dinosaur, but I have heard it, and I can say that it is loud.
– We’re having a discount right now on destination theme weddings! Or join us for a kids-only overnight sleepover!
What Types Of Food And Drink Will I Be Able To Find At Jurassic World?
Ooh, boy! So much! The food courts feature plenty of affordable options and worldly cuisine from award winning chefs. Click here to download a menu from The Rainforest Cafe.
Am I Allowed To Bring In Outside Food And Drink To The Park?
Unfortunately, no. Outside food might attract one of our unnatural beasts. But you’ll find everything you need at our three food courts. One of them has a Stir- Fry Buffet.
You Just Went And Made A New Dinosaur? Probably Not A Good Idea.
Why not? Everyone loves experiments. Experiments are cool.
I Heard There Is A Prehistoric Sea Monster At The New Theme Park. I Heard It Eats Sharks. Will This Be A Problem?
Yeah, maybe if you’re a shark! But seriously, the only problem would be if you don’t love getting wet! (Full disclosure: there’s a splash zone!)
Can I Get My Money Back? I Don’t Want To Come To Jurassic World Anymore.
We’re getting this question a lot. The answer is an emphatic NO. In fact, if you try to get your money back, you will be charged more.
I Think This Hybrid Dinosaur Sounds Great! I Actually Have Some Ideas For New Creatures That I’d Love To Send Your Way.
Now that’s my kind of person! Someone who is cool with science! Please e- mail firstname.lastname@example.org.
Oh yeah, and one other very exciting update! During our opening week, Chris Pratt will be here! Yes, the actor! From Guardians Of The Galaxy.
See you soon,
The Jurassic World Team
David Sidorov is a senior writer and video director for The Onion News Network. He is also on Twitter at @davidsidorov.