Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton casually asked her aides this morning about the millennial polling data while hoverboarding around her Brooklyn office, as she listened to the Neutral Milk Hotel on her AirPods.

“You’re doing very well, ma’am,” said one Democratic Party pollster, setting off a barrage of celebratory vape selfies as interns ordered a bunch of vegan pizzas from that place in Gowanus we went to last year for Keegan’s birthday brunch where they let you play with kittens and owls while you wait in line.

Spotted at a party in Bushwick. Hey girl!

Spotted at a party in Bushwick. Hey girl!

“This news is so not basic, amirite betches? Slay!” Hillary shouted, while tweeting her support for the victims of the latest earthquake or monsoon or whatever in Thailand or Egypt or something.

Upon hearing about his opponent’s surge in the polls among millennials, Republican nominee Donald Trump could scarcely contain his shock. “How is she beating me among people whose wealth has been passed down for over a millennium? Run those numbers again.”


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