Call it a miracle, call it talent, call it a shirt. When Craig Greenbaum from Evanston, IL came to a friend’s birthday party wearing a henley, he had no idea what the future would hold.
“I walked into this party and all the girls stared at me like I was Jake Gyllenhaal.” Greenbaum said. The women were so attracted to Craig – standing there in that little button down that shows just the right amount of collarbone and chest – that one by one they took him to the bedroom, and had their way with him.
As for this incredible shirt, Craig plays the modesty card: “It’s just like, a quarter-sleeve grey henley. I think Target? No idea, I just threw it on in four seconds before I left the house. Didn’t even shower.”
Soon after the word spread that a man was wearing a heather grey henley shirt, Craig began receiving requests from women out of state, then out of country. It became an epidemic, infecting even the most isolated corners of the world. Until, at last, every woman in the entire world had engaged in some form of coitus with him. “Oh yeah. Kate Upton, Rihanna, Angela Merkel, your cousin Laura, all of ‘em.”
Says Greenbaum, “It was crazy. I usually wear jeans and a button-down, and I do okay. But I put on this henley and… you know at the end of The Lion King where Scar is in that pit and the hyenas get this hungry look in their eyes and attack him all at once? It was like that, but sexy.”
Of course, the ensuing months-long sextravaganza left Craig with a permanently chafed penis and severe dehydration. He’s been in the hospital ever since. “I don’t regret a second of it, though.”
Will Craig ever wear the shirt again? Unlikely after almost getting fucked to death. But the one thing he does know: “I guess wearing less shitty clothes is all guys have to do to get laid, haha.”
(image from LL Bean)