With a loud belch, the United States of America spit up the empty husk of Ken Bone onto its bathroom floor this Saturday evening.
“Mmm. Tasty,” said the country.
The USA kept what parts of Bone it could sustain nourishment from, such as his adorable naivety, cherubic face, and distinctive red sweater, but was forced to discard the parts that were undigestible, including hair, cartilage, Reddit comments about porn, and the fact that he might vote for Donald Trump.
After regurgitating Bone, along with several small pellets containing his glasses and mustache, America retreated to its bedroom, complaining that it “didn’t feel so good,” and “might have eaten a little too fast.”
The empty husk of Ken Bone is expected to take a few months off and then return to his normal life, whatever that was.