On Twitter, überauthor JK Rowling cryptically confirmed the existence of a Hogwarts-esque wizarding school in America that will feature prominently in her upcoming Harry Potter spinoff, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. We were so excited that we decided to speculate as to what the American version of Hogwarts will be like:


The Houses
harry potter american houses


Magic Lacrosse
This will be our version of Quidditch. It’s Lacrosse but sometimes people fly.


Wand cores
Unlike unicorn tail and centaur blood (which we don’t have here, duh), our wands will be powered by buffalo wings, Pepsi, and bread.


Students have the right to bear as many wands as they want
ONE wand a person? But what if I want MORE? At AmericaWarts, each student has a God-given right to keep as many concealed wands on their person at all times. That being said, students will have to pass through a metal detector before they’re allowed into the classroom.
lucius malfoy lots of wands


Poor teachers
No more fancy dresses and candy dishes for you, Professor Umbridge! Hogwarts professors have become accustomed to a liveable wage, but in Harry Potter America Land, teachers will make an average of 50k a year.


Drop-out rate of 7%
Unfortunately, even though it would be an awesome wizarding school, AmericaWarts would probably have the average US high school dropout rate of 7%.


The Tri-Wizard Tournament will be monetized and broadcast on ESPN
, : Tuesday, March 17, 2009 -- SportsCenter Graphics 2009 --


The way everyone says “schedule”
The biggest, and most annoying, difference between American and British Hogwarts will be the way everyone pronounces “schedule.” Ugh.


Just, so much more pizza. American kids love pizza.


The Weasley family will have their own TLC show
With that many redheads in that small of a house with those many kids? TLC would be all over that. Here’s what we imagine the show would be called:
the weasleys tlc show

“7 Kids and Counting”
“In the Red”
“Weasley Like Me”
“Redhead-ed For Trouble”
“Well, Really 6 Kids and Counting”
“My Very Weasley World”
“Family Magic”
“We’re Still Very Sad About Fred”

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