Hey there! Rapper, beverage entrepreneur, and notable first pitch thrower 50 Cent here. If you’re reading this, then you want to learn my secrets to successful pitching.
Now that Mariano Rivera has retired, I’m probably the most famous pitcher in baseball. I mean, when was the last time any Major League pitcher got as much press coverage as me?
As a service, I thought I’d share my pitching tips. If you follow these steps, you’ll be pitching the ball just like me, the rapper 50 Cent, in no time.
Step 1: Don’t Warm Up Or Stretch Your Arm At All
A lot of so-called “fitness experts,” “physical trainers,” and “medical doctors” will tell you that you need to limber up before you throw. Ignore them. You want your entire body to be as stiff as possible.
Step 2: Use Your Non-Dominant Hand to Throw the Ball
Did you know that I’m actually right-handed? Pretty crazy! I just went up there and decided, “Hey, I’m gonna wing this baby with my left arm! It’s like freestyle rapping, except with your throwing hands!”
Step 3: Close Your Eyes and Do Not Open Them at Any Point
Once you get on the mound, and are facing the general direction of the catcher, shut your eyes tight so that you can’t see what you’re doing or where the ball is going. Closing your eyes, and generally losing all sense of place and position on the field, is key to pitching like 50 Cent.
Step 4: Do a Full Wind-up to Trick People into Thinking You Know What You’re Doing
You’ll want to step back and do a leg kick, just like a real pitcher like Greg Maddux or David Wells might do, even though you’ll have absolutely no idea where the ball is about to go.
“Wow,” you want people to say in the moments before the ball leaves your hand, “He really looks like he knows how to pitch!”
Step 5: Step Toward Home Plate, Even Though You Have No Intention of Throwing the Ball in That Direction
That’ll lull them into a false sense of security.
Step 6: Just Sort of Fling the Baseball Wherever and Hope It Doesn’t Kill Someone
Here’s the hard part: You’ve done a full wind-up; you’ve stepped toward home plate; all of your momentum is carrying you toward the catcher. Everything in physics would indicate that this is where the baseball will travel as well.
Now, imagine that your arm is a floppy strand of linguini, without muscles or tendons or joints. Whip it from behind your back and forward, letting go of the baseball whenever your body feels like it. This should cause the ball to go — well, who knows where it will go! It certainly won’t land where years of watching projectiles-in-motion travel through space would dictate it might!
Step 7: Soothe Your Anxiety in a Bathtub Full of Money
You are 50 Cent, and you don’t care if some pathetic blog writer mocks your pitching motion. You’re a hustler, not a ball player; a playboy, not a pitcher; a swinger, not a Stephen Strasburg. You just keep doing you, throwing baseballs where you want, when you want, and however you want, forever. Throw a pitch, or die trying.
Jason O. Gilbert is a writer whose work has appeared in the New York Times, Slate, McSweeney’s, and many other fine publications. You can follow him on Twitter here.