It’s almost that time of year again: the Friday after Thanksgiving, national holiday of partially finished basements everywhere. I’ll bet someone’s already sent a group text asking where “da home team hang” will be. We know it’s going to be in me, your friend’s parents’ basement! Since I’ve experienced every hang, chill sesh, and kickback for the past 8ish years, I thought I’d offer some words of wisdom for this year’s post-Thanksgiving throw down. You guys can fill in the names, you know who you are.
Don’t block _______________’s car in the driveway. He’s never gonna crash on the couch like he says he will.
Invest in a bottle of decent wine this year. The days of Irish Car Bombs and a 30 rack of Keystone are behind you.
Bring a sweater, I’m cold.
___________’s dad is going to come downstairs at some point. Ignore the instinct to run out the garage and back home. You’re old enough to drink and he’s actually a cool guy. He hung my drywall himself.
Never Have I Ever? I mean, if you guys really want to know who has tried butt stuff, just ask. You’re friends.
Are ____________ and ___________ going to hook up? Isn’t _________ dating someone? Last time we hung out, it seemed like ____________ was over her. Hey guys, here’s a little secret: _______ and ___________ ALWAYS hook up after you guys pass out. They sneak up to ___________’s older sister’s room and hook up all night. They’re kind of in love but ___________’s never moving back from LA and ___________ won’t quit his job in Philly. It’s really sad so just leave them alone and let them have this one night.
Did anyone call ___________? Can someone call ___________?
Try not to go too crazy, you have a flight/Amtrak ride/road trip ahead of you tomorrow. So what I’m saying is, enjoy barfing ____________ all over a ______________.
Your Friend’s Parents’ Basement
Jackie is a writer/actor based in NYC. She performs on Harold Night at the UCB and with her sketch team DR DJ. You can follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie.