Channing,

A hypothetical: A girl (or guy) is at a bar. Looking to have some fun. They see two men. One is me. One is Channing Tatum. Whom do they seduce and bang? It’s you, Channing. It’s you every single time no matter how many times I run the calculations!

This is hard for me to admit, but on a biological level, you’re a more desirable mate. I’d say you’re at least 40x more desirable. It’s as if a charming nerd switched his brain with that of a dancing meathead fuck-bot who also has a silly but strong smile.

What am I supposed to do? Honestly, help me out here! The rest of us have no chance at living up to your level of sex appeal.

I recently reached out to some female friends about why they sigh when I mention your name, and got the following thoughts. I’ve listed each of your “PROs” and how I don’t stand up.

You’re Rich & Famous. You’re a world famous actor whose films make hundreds of millions of dollars and who can play a range of roles from Foxcatcher to Magical Michael.

ME: I have been in zero movies and have about $6000 in my savings account.

You’re Hot But Also Nice. There are a lot of objectively beautiful men out there (models, other idiots) but you’re the best beautiful person. A gentle giant. You could charm a woman’s parents and then orgasm her good with your ripped body.

ME: I’m pretty nice and have a valid driver’s license but I’m not that nice…

Strong & Also Loving. Look at this picture! You clearly love your wife and you seem like a great dad. So we can deduce that you’re loyal, caring, responsible and that you can sexually and emotionally satisfy a woman over a sustained period of time.

ME: GREAT! JUST GREAT. I got nothing here!

 

channing20f-web

(NY Daily News)

Look at You Dance. Magic Mike XXL is the tip of the iceberg. Your dance ability is well documented and frankly, it’s clear that would translate to sexual skill. You hump the ground a lot in Magic Mike.

ME: Honestly man, I just watched “Step Up” last night… RELAX. TAKE A DAY OFF. I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS. WHAT IS YOUR BODY FAT PERCENTAGE? 1%?

 

 

Those Eyes & That Smile. These I heard a lot, I know it sounds like this should be lumped in with looks. But your eyes and smile seem to stand alone in women’s minds. Your eyes are soft but speak to a life that was earned.


ME: My eyes look like dumb normal eyes. DID YOUR EYES JUST HAPPEN LIKE THAT? IS YOUR VISION LIKE 1000/20??

Funny. You’re comedic timing is amazing. Did people read those Sony Hack emails? You were funny when no one was watching. Oh, and the Jump Street movies? It’s allllll good.

ME: HOW??????????????????? HOW IS EVERYTHING YOU DO PERFECT? Enough.

This Picture.

CANNES, FRANCE - MAY 19:  Channing Tatum attends the "Foxcatcher" premiere during the 67th Annual Cannes Film Festival on May 19, 2014 in Cannes, France.  (Photo by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images)

CANNES, FRANCE – MAY 19: Channing Tatum attends the “Foxcatcher” premiere during the 67th Annual Cannes Film Festival on May 19, 2014 in Cannes, France. (Photo by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images)

 

 

And This Picture.

10.25_ 3437.NEF

(EOnline)

 

AND This GIF.

giphy

 

And. This. Picture. COME ON.

channing-tatum

(GQ)

 

So like, what am I supposed to do man? Can you please reach out and we can figure out a way to bring you down to a more reasonable level of human? Fatten you up or give you a dumb haircut or make you racist? So it’s all fair? If you’re such a “good guy” it’s the least you can do.

 

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