Responding to criticisms that the the physical design of the iPhone has stagnated over the years, Apple is set to announce a new “pre-distressed” option, letting your iPhone look like it’s already been scratched to hell.

“Having a brand new-looking phone just isn’t innovative anymore,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook while holding the new iPhone, his fingers bleeding slightly against the sharp cracked glass of the screen. “A pre-distressed iPhone gives you that lived-in, ‘I’ve drunkenly dropped this phone so many times’ feel, but with the faster processor and latest feature updates. It’s truly the best of both worlds.” Apple fanatics are already said to be lining up around the block, ready to ditch their current scratched up iPhones for the new pre-scratched models.

The new iPhone will also include a screen protector and drop-resistant case, to ensure that the screen doesn’t get any more messed up than it already is.

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