At its fall event in San Francisco, Apple unveiled designs for a brand-new iPhone 6D. With a price tag of $700, it features a barely higher resolution screen, will be incompatible with your old devices, and comes in a dick-shaped design so now Apple can literally fuck you.
“We’ve been fucking people for a while now. I mean we just came out with the iPhone 6, like, a few months ago? Something insane like that.” Said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “We decided with this upgrade, we wanted the form of our phone to reflect the psychological dominance we have over our consumers. So now you can just shove it straight up your asshole.”
Like the five other phones Apple has released since 2013, Mac-heads are lining up to let Apple fuck them. “The phone I bought two months ago is now completely obsolete,” claimed Cynthia Rockshure, webmaster of AppleDisciple.com. “I’m sure this new upgrade is totally necessary and will do something that other phones can’t. I can’t wait to stick it up my butthole.”
Jony Ive, Chief Design Officer at Apple, says he’s extremely proud of this particular rollout: “Innovation is about creating brand-new devices that force you to download all new software and purchase a new iPhone case, converter cable, and set of headphones. It’s about transparency, it’s about honesty, it’s about Apple bending you over, sticking our cock-shaped iPhone in your shoot, and fucking every last dollar out of your wallet.”
“We’re Apple. We design products that make everyday tasks easier,” Cook asserted as he lubed up his new rock-hard iPhone 6D. “Yeah. You’re fucked.”
Other features of the iPhone 6D include 14 new useless apps you can’t delete, a doubled price for AppleCare, and a guarantee that all of your private photos and information will be sent to the iCloud for public consumption.