I’m sure you’ve all seen videos or pictures of Daisy, this adorable baby otter born at The Monterey Bay Aquarium in December:

Everyone who sees her falls in love. She floats on her back, squeaks and wipes her tiny perfect face with her tiny perfect paws. Who wouldn’t be smitten? Well, let me tell you, when the cameras aren’t rolling she’s a real bitch – an absolute garbage monster diva.

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Typical Daisy, strung out on raw fish.

For starters, Daisy has a MASSIVE fish problem. Look, all otters enjoy a little fish every now and then. But Daisy is out of control – if she doesn’t have fish every hour, she become belligerent and does this little scream-cry until someone flips her a mackerel. The other otters resent it but what are they going to say? Daisy keeps the visitors coming to the tank so they have no choice but to suck it up.

Oh, and she claims to burn all off all that fish with just ‘swimming’ and ‘underwater somersaulting’. But I once found an empty bottle of Mexican diet pills in the seaweed pile where she sleeps, so, you be the judge.

And it’s only getting worse. Last week we had a school tour group coming through at 1pm. At 12:45, Daisy’s nowhere to be found. So I’m frantically telling all the piglets, “Hey guys, go hop in the mud and get ready to be cute.” And of course the piglets are ready, total pros. At 12:58 Daisy shows up, WREAKING of calamari and completely bloated.

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Screaming obscenities at the workers who make her cushy world go round.

She starts making her “I need a nap” noise and I beg her, “Daze, ya gotta clean yourself up and get in the water.” She ignores me, stumbles over to her seaweed pile and passes out. So I make up a story about how she had to go to the vet and is on antibiotics that make her sleepy. The kids eat it up, of course. Does Daisy thank me for bailing her out? Nope! Acted like it never happened.

She once so brought a hammerhead shark to the brink of tears with her cruel insults. None of the staff are allowed to look he in the eye EXCEPT when she’s defecating – then, we’re required to. In a fish induced haze she almost drowned an old turtle. And no one knows.

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Lock this monster up and throw away the key.

Well, I’m tired of the lies and the cover ups. The world deserves to know the truth. Behind that sweet mug lies an absolute degenerate slob, a menace to society who should be in prison.

God willing, this is the first step on that righteous path.

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