A gorgeous Brazilian model sat on a pile of beach towels.
The beach towels groaaaned like a 41 year-old actor.
“I must go somewhere where I can get service on my iPad,” the model said. So away she went.
The pile of beach towels flipped and flopped and flipped and flopped until…
Out popped Leonardo DiCaprio!
“Where is my model?” he said into his phone to Siri. Siri did not know. “I will go and look for her,” he said. Siri said, “Okay, Leo.”
Down the beach Leo went. He couldn’t fly, because he left his helicopter in St. Barth’s, but he could sort of still walk even though he was pretty drunk.
He saw a hot mom in a bikini. “Are you my model?” he asked the mom. She just stared at him. “Oh…oh, wow, you’re Leonardo DiCaprio. Jesus, you look terrible.”
He saw Gisele Bundchen lying on a beach towel. “Are you my model?” he said to Gisele. “Not anymore,” Gisele said.
“Are you my model?” Leo asked a brunette playing paddle ball. “How could I be your model?” said the brunette. “I weigh 130lbs.”
Leonardo DiCaprio pulled on his beard. He took a hit off his vape. The hot mom was not his model, Gisele and the brunette were not his model.
“I have a model,” Leo said. “I know I do. I had sex with her this morning. I will find her! I will. I WILL!”
Just then, Leonardo DiCaprio saw some seaweed in the shape of a woman float by. “You are my model!” he said, and he walked out into the water.
His Hawaiian-print swim trunks filled up, up, UP with air and floated around his hairy beer belly.
“Oh no,” said Leo. “I’m way too high to be swimming.” He crawled back to his chaise lounge.
Just then, the Brazilian model came back with her iPad. “I know who you are! You are not a hot mom, a Gisele, or a fat brunette!”
“You are a hot, young Brazilian woman who tolerates my saggy pecs and dirty beard in exchange for nine months of A-list publicity, and you are my model!”
Illustrations were provided by Gabe Gordon, a far-sighted angel/artist working across multiple platforms in New York. He loves talent shows and always wins them. On Instagram at @therealnedschneebly.