Wow, Cameron, this coffee is delicious. I would absolutely love a third cup – let me just quickly confirm that the violent heart palpitations I’m feeling are not a heart attack and then I’ll have you warm me up.

Hmm? Have I had a heart attack before? No, but after two cups of coffee I’m usually pretty positive I’m having a heart attack so it’s almost like I’ve had three hundred heart attacks they’ve just never actually materialized. But dammit if I never learn my lesson – I just can’t get enough of that java! I guess this is how I die.

coffee

Looks delicious but it’s what drives me to my grave.


Just a heads up that if I am having a heart attack – which at this point seems about 99% certain – you’ll have to drive me to the hospital, so prepare yourself for that. Otherwise, I’ll take that third cup with skim milk and a little bit of Stevia, if you have it. If not, no worries. Haha oh god I really think I might be having a heart attack is it possible to have congenital heart disease and never know it I mean shouldn’t your doctor check for that kind of stuff

FUCK fuck FUCKK why did I have a second FUCKING cup of coffee?? I really just needed something to do with my hands, so I was like, “Uhhh, I guess I’ll fill my mug with more boiling hot poison!” And  NOW I AM LITERALLY DYING BECAUSE I WANTED A RELAXED DEMEANOR LIKE THE PEOPLE IN  DILBERT.

Phew, that passed pretty quick. Say, Cam, how ‘bout that joe? Could I trouble you for a nice big cup? Thanks, brother. Mmm, mmm, mmmm. What a relaxing morning.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.