On Sunday, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West welcomed their genetically perfect baby boy into the world. Then, in a standard West-ian act of stunning post-ego hubris, the boy was named Saint. We’ve also learned through top-secret, Gymboree back-channels that Saint has officially been invited to join the storied Baby Illuminati.

What’s the Baby Illuminati? The Baby Illuminati is a cabal of the world’s most powerful baby movers, baby shakers and baby policy-makers under the age of 4. How much control can a bunch of infants really wield? Well, it’s widely agreed among scholars and reporters that the Baby Illuminati controls the multi-billion dollar toy and diaper industry. They invented the concept of water birthing, and exposed Jessica Alba’s Honest Company’s ineffective sunscreen. And they killed Kennedy.

The official proceedings will take place Sunday in the National Cathedral. It’s said that Saint’s sister, North, will issue the oath of fealty. Princess Charlotte represents the EU delegation and will witness on behalf of her representative nations. Apollo Rossdale will stand in opposition, a purely ceremonial act required to complete the ceremony.


Story-time is rumored to be a reading of “I Love You To the Moon and Back” by Morgan Freeman. Image via Flickr.com


After the ceremony, the babies will feast from the breasts of lactating models. The lavish celebration will include performances by the cast of Sesame Street, a story-time hosted by Morgan Freeman and several indulgent nappies. Guards are under strict instruction not to admit Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari’s kids. They’re half NFL quarterback but they’re also half Laguna Beach.

Upon induction, Saint joins a long tradition of baby power brokers that has included generations of English royalty, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and (though they are loathe to admit it) Tori Spelling.

You might also like…


Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.