Hello, my fellow Americans. Dr. Ben Carson here. Given the interest shown in my personal beliefs on the true, biblical origins of the Great Pyramids– outlined below- I’d like to take up even more of your valuable time to further explain my personal beliefs about all of the wonders of the world.
In preparing this list, I learned that there are actually quite a few conflicting lists of what constitutes a “wonder”, but these are the ones I selected, so they are correct. Because honestly, do you really think you know more than a doctor?
1. The Great Pyramids. After ascending from slavery to the role of vizier, Joseph built the pyramids to store grain for an anticipated Egyptian famine. Now, most “archaeologists” think that they were made for the pharaohs’ graves. As a medical doctor, I feel that I’m pretty qualified to speak on matters of archaeology. Like a root cellar to store pickling vegetables before a long winter, Joseph built the pyramids to store grain. It was him, and not 100,000 slaves over the course of twenty years. In reality, very little history of the cradle of civilization did not transpire by the hand of the one true Judeo-Christian God. This makes good sense.
2. The Great Wall of China. How long will liberals insist that the Great Wall of China was erected by the Ming dynasty in an effort to hold off nomadic Mongolian tribes after Ming’s defeat at the Battle of Tumu? In a time when everybody was kung-fu fighting and a nation where the cats remain- to this day- as fast as lightning, there are simply no quantifiable records indicating that the construction of “The Spine of the East” was anything but our heavenly father’s divine providence. The Chinese needed a way to get to church, and He provided.
3. Stonehenge. According to radiocarbon dating, this mystical monument dates as far back as 3100 BC- but as the great flood for which Noah built his ark occurred as recently as 967 BC, we know this is just more claptrap from the Godless scientific community to which I belonged for my entire career to this point. Rocks of this size are but Legos to the faithful. When I was a teenager, I made stonehenges all the time. This particular stonehenge likely served as hang zone for England’s coolest Christian teens.
4. The Taj Mahal. Would that there were some way to determine which of the Indian polytheist gods had His hand in the construction of this marble marvel, but various Yale educated doctors who happen to running for president agree that it was likely the one which most resembles my God. OUR God, rather. Was Islam ever big in India? We just don’t have the facts. With its onion dome and decorative spires, the Taj Mahal was constructed to give Russian tourists a taste of home as they vacationed in the southern part of the continent.
5. The Panama Canal. The notion that this gateway between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans was the result of a decades-long multinational construction effort that cost thousands of workers their lives is socialist hogwash of the worst kind. Too long have leftist textbooks ignored the parable of the simple Alpaca shepard who walked his flock back and forth across the Isthmus of Panama in protest of higher income taxes for his nation’s wealthiest, the very Earth wearing away beneath their path until this iconic passage for free trade was carved out. If you don’t believe me, simply rearrange the letters in “An Alpaca Man”- what do you get? Panama Canal. Vote for me, Ben Carson.
6. Mt. Rushmore. There is no natural wonder more American than this astonishing rock formation. Honestly, what are the odds that centuries of erosion and weathering would carve out the faces of not one, but FOUR future U.S. presidents in a South Dakotan mountainside? I, and every true American should interpret this actual signing place of the U.S. Constitution as a sign that ours is a nation of God’s own design. The mountain even eroded the presidents’ faces in the order they took office: Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln. Look closely, and just to Abe’s right you might see the emerging visage of a certain former director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital.
7. The Empire State Building. From time immemorial, the Empire State Building has stood in the heart of New York City. Like lesser world wonders the Grand Canyon or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, man has long sought to unearth its origins and decipher its meaning. We DO know that the building (aka “Big Bob”) attracts scores of colossal gorillas to its shiny spire, as many as three a week. Perhaps divine ancients erected the monument to serve as a lightning rod for these beasts, drawing them in so mankind may better protect our precious blond actresses? It’s a monkey mystery that will no doubt drive scholars and presidential candidates alike “bananas” for years to come. Please let me be your president.