Dude, I’m so fucking irate about this rigged election right now, it’s not even funny. But even though rage is definitely my dominant emotion, a close second is confusion. You see, there’s a question that’s been haunting me each and every Tuesday, when we start seeing the results from non-caucuses come in:

Where did all these Clinton voters I’ve been willfully ignoring come from?

Seriously, is it just me, or is there something highly suspicious about the fact that suddenly millions of Californians turned out for $hillary, even after I’ve spent months fastidiously blocking them from my pint-sized consciousness? I can’t shake this eerie feeling that the Bernie Sanders 2016 subreddit isn’t an exact mirror of reality.


It’s just crazy for the Democrats to expect me to continue lending my support to their shitty party if people outside my own experience continue to spontaneously materialize and have a different opinion than me. I want a revolution so badly, but the revolution is in my brain, and if the world isn’t a carbon copy of my brain, then how the hell am I supposed to get this revolution done?

It sounds cynical, and I hate to admit it, but the sad truth is that no matter how painstakingly hard you avoid people outside of your highly homogeneous social circle, the system is always going to recognize their existence. It’s almost like when I search Twitter for the #ImWithHer hashtag, the people who I send death threats actually exist.

Ya-huh, bro: shit is fucked.

For anyone who thinks all of these $hillary voters are real, let me lay out some facts: Bernie draws massive crowds to Vampire Weekend concerts, whereas Hillary draws no crowds I bother to look up. And yet, voters magically turn out for her when it comes time to vote… noticing a troubling pattern? That’s right: not only does the “real” world contradict my highly-selective worldview, BUT IT’S CONFIRMING THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

All I gotta say is if Bernie isn’t the nominee, I’m gonna vote Trump, because that’s the logical alternative to a self-identified democratic socialist.

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