Also read our companion piece, Hillary Clinton Is The Lying Criminal I Want To Be My President.

The time has come for every American voter to ask themselves what they really want in a president. It’s a difficult question. A president needs to be dynamic and aspirational, but at the same time somewhat of a gadfly and a complainer, especially for a country founded on rebellion and discontent. That’s why I believe America needs a leader who approaches domestic and foreign policy alike with the incredulity of a 17-year-old who just read his first Howard Zinn book. Bernie Sanders is that leader.

Hillary Clinton may be a master of political gamesmanship, but honestly I’ve had enough of compromising my ideals. As the country marches forward into the 21st Century, we need a commander-in-chief who fights like a like a college freshman fights with his Republican father at Thanksgiving dinner; a woke radical who understands that everyone is a racist, and if we just break up the banks nobody will ever be poor again. We need a president who don’t want to be an “American Idiot”.

Sanders with his head *literally* in the clouds.

Sanders with his head *literally* in the clouds.


Bernie’s not going to get a haircut or a properly tailored suit just because that’s how the leader of the free world is supposed to present himself. He probably owns that Banksy coffee table book they sell at Urban Outfitters, and understands how even though V For Vendetta is an action movie, it is actually pretty smart. He never judges a book by its cover, like how even though Rage Against the Machine is maybe too aggressive for him he still appreciates Tom Morello’s musicianship and thinks that Zack de la Rocha is a real poet. Hillary says she likes The Doors. Do you believe that even for one second?

With rumors now circulating that Sanders is considering progressive Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren as his running mate, Sanders hasn’t just found a political soulmate, but a perfect equal with whom you cannot speak to without being lectured. These are the forward thinkers we need in the White House: a pair whose optimism has evolved into entitled obstinance.

Bernie Sanders is a reflection of the best and worst in all of us: a man whose very youthful idealism makes him cranky and impossible to deal with. He’s not just woke, he’s woke AF. He’s the woke college freshman I want to be my president.

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