The city of New York named Taylor Swift its new Global Welcome Ambassador, replacing the old welcome ambassador who probably had a name. To the disappointment of anyone who has actually spent time in New York, not even one subway rat was considered for the position.

The following candidates would be welcomed in place of Swift as welcome ambassador.

Mr. Mistoffelees, CATS

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Mr. Mistoffelees was the standout star of the once longest running Broadway musical. Mr. Mistoffelees, talking to another cat, first coined the phrase, “Welcome to New York.” Mr. Mistoffelees also pays homage to the 2 million feral cats living on the city streets.

Original Fat Jared, Subway

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Jared would need to gain weight again, sure. But he could keep eating at Subway, and there’s one on every block. Fat Jared also looks like the guy sitting next to you on the subway.

Money

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Like anywhere in America, money talks. Everyone’s money is welcome in New York, no matter how horrible the person. You can buy and sell hotels, condominiums, bedding, and be a terrible person, Donald Trump.

Any Guy Named Sal

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Everyone knows Sal, even if you don’t. Whether you go to the Carnegie Deli, John’s Pizzeria (Bleecker), Peter Luger, the Donut Plant, Sal will be there, even at the 99¢ pizza places and questionable Halal taco carts. Sal’s happy to talk about the Knicks, Yankees, or Rangers, just not the Jets.

Yellow Cabs

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If you take a cab in New York and don’t fear for your life, your driver is doing something wrong. The Yellow Cab is quintessential New York because your cab driver doesn’t care. Not about you, or what you’re sitting in. Sure, he sprayed something on the seats, but they’re still sticky. But you can get lucky too and win a free ride if the driver hits a tourist on a Citi Bike.

Disturbing Children’s Characters

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Did you grow up watching Sesame Street? Maybe you dressed up like Spider-Man as a kid. One stroll down Times Square and whatever nostalgia you once had for any of your childhood favorites will quickly turn to disgust, nausea, and a game of, “Should I Call the Police?” Bring your kids to Times Square for one afternoon, and the emotional scarring will last a lifetime. Welcome to New York!

The Finger

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The finger is the official New York greeting and a symbol of everything the city stands for. This welcome ambassador would resonate throughout all five boroughs. The finger simply, yet beautifully, illustrates New York’s rank among the best cities in the world.

Sam Reid is a writer and comedian living in New York City. You can follow him on Twitter @SamReidSays.

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