Now wait just a minute here: my son —Justin Bieber — is deleting his Instagram account after getting in an argument over how his fans are treating his new girlfriend? I mean, he’s 22-years-old and can do what he likes, but if Justin leaves Instagram, where will I see pictures of his good penis?

A father deserves to be kept in the loop, dick-wise. There’s nothing more natural than a parent keeping up-to-date with his famous adult son’s good penis — publicly commenting on it, letting the world know that it reminds me of my own penis — y’know, “dad stuff.” Instagram is the quintessential photo sharing app of a generation! If I can’t keep up with his penis there, where am I supposed to look?

To prepare for this “pictures of my son’s good penis” drought, I implore all true Beliebers to send me any and all pictures of my son’s penis (not a sex thing, rather a healthy, appropriate gesture of fatherhood!). This will hold me over until the next time I see him, where we will compare penises as all fathers and sons do.

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