The new Apple Watch is primed to hit the market, and let us tell you, it is large. Very large. Grandfather clock large. The new Apple Watch is a grandfather clock.

With the introduction of this daring new product, Apple continues to push the limit in terms of size. But in this case, does bigger really mean better? Let’s break down the pros and cons of Apple’s latest innovation.

Pro: It’s Waterproof!

The Apple Grandfather Clock Watch is waterproof, enabling you to track your fitness goals as you swim, run in the rain, or do anything else that’s wet and wild. Definite pro on this one, Apple.

Con: Serious Strain On Your Spine

At 600 pounds, this pure oak clock is a good bit heavier than Apple’s previous smart-watch iteration. For your own physical safety, we recommend you keep the Apple Grandfather Clock Watch in the corner of your parents’ living room at all times.

Pro: Better Battery While Using GPS!

The previous Apple Watch drew backlash for its tendency to run out of battery quickly when users tried using GPS. No longer! No matter where you’re going, you can count of the Apple Grandfather Clock Watch to show you the way.

Con: It Can And Will Catch On Fire


Do not light a stove while using the Apple Grandfather Clock Watch. Don’t do it.

Pro: Sleek, “Old School” Design

Apple’s always been on the forefront of tech aesthetics. Whereas the original Apple Watch drew backlash for its bland, futuristic look, the Apple Grandfather Clock Watch is stylish and classy, the kind of watch that says “I’ve got that late-19th century opulence.”

Con: It’s Really Fucking Loud

Ever curious when it’s exactly the top of the hour? Now you’ll know. Every goddamn time.

Con: It’s Actually Not Waterproof At All

We lied. Sorry.

Verdict: A+. Apple got it right. Again. All praise to Apple! All praise!

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