It’s come to my attention that my wife was switched out for a body double at our daughter’s apartment so she could appear healthy at the 9/11 memorial. This begs the question, what are the ground rules on sex with the body double? Not to say that there’s a body double or anything. This is all strictly hypothetical.

I’m always getting into trouble over this type of thing, so I figured I’d just be up front and ask. To me, this woman is pretending to be Hillary. And logically, if she’s pretending to be Hillary… then she’s pretending to be my wife… which would mean her sleeping with me would theoretically be totally legit. Please let me know if I’m missing something here.

Hillary’s been through a lot this year and the last thing I want to do is cause her more stress. And considering my constant sexual advances appear to do exactly that, this feels like the perfect solution. I’m not cheating, she gets to work, it’s win/win!

Now if this woman and I had sex while she wasn’t working as the double, I understand how that could be considered cheating. But as soon as she’s on the clock, I’m thinkin’ I got the green light. Do I know for sure that the double is interested in sleeping with me? No. But if she were interested, it’d be nice to know in advance whether or not it’d be cool.

It’s like that movie Dave, with Kevin Kline. Has nobody seen that? It’s basically this! There’s precedent!

Hold on. I’m being told this was all made up. There is no body double. Forget everything I said.

I love you, Hillary!

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