Kanye, I appreciate the support, I suppose. You tweeted the other day:

And, Kanye, while I’ll take support from wherever I can, I don’t want it from you. You have saggy pants and, by my own infamous logic, that makes you bad.

Now, I see the irony inherent in me telling someone else to pull up their pants. Me, a rapist, telling other people to ‘pull up their pants’? Yikes! The irony practically slaps you in the face and says “Why aren’t I in jail? SOMEONE PUT ME IN JAIL.” I know. I’ve always known how crazy it is for me to so publically and vehemently criticize other people’s morality and worth. I get it! It’s like a private little goof with myself. You know, like, on your walk to work do you always say “Hi” to the same coffee salesman in the same whimsical way? Or maybe you throw a piece of muffin to the same gaggle of pigeons?

Well the fact that I, a sexual predator, have been telling other black men to ‘pull up their pants’ for years is my version of a cute morning ritual. A little giggle just for me.


If you get pregnant out of wedlock, you pretend the baby is your mom’s. Everyone knows that!

Ok, ok your pants aren’t even all that saggy lately. Ever since you started hanging around with Anna Wintour and Olivier Rousteing, the pants are more baggy than saggy. Still, the baggy pants are a symbol: you, a successful artist and entrepreneur, stand for so many things I revile. Your name is weird. You sell expensive sneakers. You had a kid out of wedlock. So, before you go defending me, pull up your proverbial pants, young man!

Anyway, seriously Kanye, don’t defend me. It hurts my image. I’m known for holding myself to a high moral standard and you had a child out of wedlock with Kim Kardashian! Then got married and had another child. But that first kid, you weren’t married when you had her. I literally cannot imagine anything worse than that!

Kanye, defending me is also bad for you. I am, as I said before, a sexual predator and rapist. Despite saying and doing batshit crazy stuff every few months, you haven’t done anything really bad (besides throwing out Kim’s entire wardrobe that one time, what WAS that?!) I admitted under oath that I bought drugs to give to women I wanted to have sex with. It’s insane that I’m not in jail. I know this runs counter to the stuff I said before but don’t defend me, Ye!

Instead, focus on bettering yourself. Address the really important things, like making your pants fasten more securely around your waist. Maybe make your sneakers less expensive. Change your name to something more acceptable, like Dan. Or Bill! There are no prominent, disgusting monsters named Bill – oh, wait. Never mind.

Either way, just lay off Twitter. We’re all gonna buy Life Of Pablo regardless of what you say. Relax.


Images via Variety, People, TVGuide

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