Hello, REAL America aka Christians and inoffensive Jews living in landlocked states. It is I, Bill O’Reilly. Remember me? I used to be one of the most batshit, conservative voices screaming into the all-consuming void that is cable news. I’ve said things like, “I just wish Katrina had only hit the United Nations building.” I’ve compared Ariana Huffington to a Nazi. And I think atheists are going to hell. There was a time when I was the gold standard for spewing whatever unsubstantiated conservative venom into national discourse. But all that has changed…

Now I don’t want to whine like a woman or black person, but this election cycle it feels as though me and my buddies at Fox News have taken a backseat insanity-wise to psychos like Stacey Dash, Alex Jones and Andrew Breitbart. Even sad-sack, Play-Doh man Jeffrey Lord is getting more play than I am this year. Well, I’ve had enough! I want America talking about what a malignant tumor of man I am once more.

To that end, last night I said that the slave who built The White House were ‘well-fed’ and had ‘decent lodging’. That’s right, I tried to imply that while slaves did build The White House, they didn’t have it so bad!


SO, uh, YEAH Americans. I’m still here, I’m still somehow relevant and most importantly I’m still VERY crazy. I invented the game of distorting reality and using half-truths to prop up my outrageous belief system rooted in bigotry, rage and ignorance to gain attention in the media. I’m like the Kim Kardashian of old, conservative white men. Don’t forget about me, America. Cause I’ll NEVER forget about you.

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