Donald Trump announced yesterday that he was revoking the Washington Post from his campaign events, calling the news outlet’s coverage “incredibly inaccurate.” Today, he clarified that going forward, the only two sources allowed to continue following him on the campaign trail are Breitbart News and a soft stool sample.
In a statement released on Facebook, Trump wrote, “Washington Post’s reporting on me has been very dishonest and not nice at all. The media has been very unfair to me, except for two sources: Breitbart News Network and this soft stool sample from my campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. Corey has the best stools. They’re the softest stools you’ve ever felt. You’ve never seen stools this smooth. They’re tremendous stools.”
At a press conference later that day, Trump spoke to an almost-empty room, with the exception of one Breitbart reporter and a plastic container holding his colleague’s supple feces.
“The only stools I trust are stools from my inner circle,” he said. “These are the most luxurious, silky droppings you’ve ever seen. This poop is so soft, you’re gonna wanna buy your wife one. Melania loves them. Corey ate a Trump Steak before we took the sample, which are perfect for soft stools. I think this stool is gonna do a superb job reporting on me. Breitbart will be phenomenal too.”
Addressing questions as to why other conservative organizations like Fox have been excluded, Trump appeared to grow angry.
“I don’t even trust Fox to report on me anymore. Or hard stools. Them and the rest of the media has been awful to me. But you know who hasn’t? The genius workers at Breitbart News and this wonderful hunk of beautifully brown crap my campaign manager shat out yesterday. These two amazing reporting places know how to talk about me. Listen to this shit. Just listen to it! It’s amazing. Now that’s excrement that knows the truth.”