Halloween is here again, the time of year when little boys and girls dress up to haunt the neighborhood in search of their favorite fall treats. Whether you choose to accompany your little ghost trick-or-treating or not, parents everywhere should inspect their child’s candy sack for any snacks that may have been tampered with, such as unwrapped candy, homemade treats like cookies, or apples. But buddy, let me tell you: if I wanted to kill your kid I wouldn’t put a razor blade in an apple.

There are far more effective ways to hurt a child. Ways you’d never see coming. Ways you’d never trace back to me.

As if I’d hide a razor blade in an apple, give it to a child, and think I’d get away with it. Gee, do you think the police might trace the razor blade apple back to guy with no kids who lives by himself at the end of the street and was passing out apples on Halloween? Give me a break. Everybody’s heard some version of the urban legend about the creepy guy who lives alone and gives out apples with razor blades in them on Halloween. It would never work. I’m not an idiot.

I can think of all sorts of ways to hurt your kid real bad that have nothing to do with apples. Razors either.


Apples, apples, apples for all.

So I pass out apples on Halloween. Is that a crime? Buying Halloween candy is a total scam, and I don’t have any children of my own to keep up appearances for, so I pass out apples. Now, I’m not deluding myself here: I know that apples are a very unpopular Halloween treat. Kids talk. Believe me, kids talk. And kids know that I’m an apple house, so I don’t get a lot of trick-or-treaters in the first place, which really only reinforces my choice to not waste money on candy, see? Do you see how everything connects?

But I’ve got to give out something, because the one year I went to go see a movie on Halloween instead of giving out apples I came home and my house was wrapped chimney to porch in goddamn Charmin. It took me three days to clean it all up. Three days. By the time I got it all cleaned though, it had rained and wet clumps of toilet paper had clogged the gutters. I didn’t know, so come Thanksgiving the gutters weren’t draining properly and ended up causing $1800 in water damage to the downstairs ceiling.

$1800. And do you know what the police said? “Kids will be kids.”

I’ve got my suspects, alright. That little blonde shit with the bike, he was laughing as I cleaned. The fat one, too. I heard them. I heard all of them.

Long story short, buddy: I’m gonna keep handing out apples but you can trust them because if- and I can’t stress the word “if” here enough- IF I wanted to kill your kid, you can bet I’d be smarter about it than putting a razor blade in an apple. Happy Halloween!

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