It’s hot, and you’re a hungry hottie on the go. One who doesn’t have time for the modern conveniences of a bun-based meal, but who still wants to experience the beef heavy taste of Burger King’s signature Whopper. Don’t you wish there was some kind of cold, yet somehow still greasy meat slab, fused with cheese*, ketchup, mustard, sprinkled in bacon, wrapped in a hard lettuce shell, and placed on a stick of fine finished wood?

Well now there is, the Whoppersicle, and I’ll admit, we may have stepped over a line on this one.

We here at Burger King aren’t monsters. We can admit when we’ve made a mistake, and in the 48 hours, hundred’s of hospitalizations, and complete moral corruption of our BK staff since introducing the Whoppersicle, a committee has been formed to consider calling this one quits. That may not seem like much, but weighing the mountain of lawsuits and official denouncement of the Whoppersicle by Pope Francis, it’s not crazy to think that this idea will soon be deader than those who ingested two or more Whoppersicles.


It’s a grim game fast food. It’s not all about keeping the people fat and dirty; sometimes you gotta make them happy. People get tired of putting the same shapes into their mouths everyday. The Whoppersicle was going to change all that. Finally we’d found a way to make what is normally a soggy burger into the quintessential summer treat. Kids could lick their Whoppersicles dry in the evening, their hands sticky with the melted grease of summer, while the more hardened adolescences could bite straight through that bad boy, lettuce and all. Now that dream is dead, or at the very least hospitalized from uncooked beef and cheese*.

You think we wanted to make this? Do you really believe that a bunch of adults chose to work for months on end, trying to find a new way to deliver brand conscious beef into your body? This is what you wanted. The Whoppersicle may be our unholy matrimony of science and burger, but the real monster here is you. You all demanded us to push harder, deeper into the realm of meat than man was ever meant to go. Now you mock us for our failures, when in reality we were doomed to fail from the start.

And for those of you out there who enjoyed the Whoppersicle’s signature flavor and mobility, we apologize doubly to you. You were never meant to suffer, and you were never expected to either. Clearly there is something so deeply wrong with you that you’d seek out a Whoppersicle rather than help, but here at Burger King help is not our job. Nor is it to judge. We can only give you more meat, and God willing, we will.

Luke Strickler is a writer in New York City and a person everywhere else. See more of him @Luke_Strickler,, and on his parent’s fridge.

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