Michelle Obama’s stirring speech denouncing Donald Trump’s flippant attitude toward sexual assault went viral and possibly ended the Trump campaign for once and for all.

So I ask, Michelle, can you help with get out of these parking tickets?

I have a court date coming up and I need a good defense. Right now all I have is “I like to park wherever I want” and I know that doesn’t sound great. Michelle, is there a way you can contextualize me getting out of these parking tickets as part of our greater struggle for equality as women? Or something? Oh, bring up Sasha and Malia! That’s always good.

Honestly, if you just show up with me I think that will be enough for the court to look at me more favorably. I need the help. Let me tell you, I’m not popular over at the courthouse. I once parked on a fire hydrant which the judge said was both “dangerous” and “more difficult than just parking on the street, you idiot.” So we got our work out for us, Michelle.

Also, all my clothes have nacho cheese stains on them. Can I borrow one of your dresses for court?

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