Iron Man vs. Captain America. Black Widow vs. Scarlett Witch. The undeniable storytelling power of the Marvel Cinematic Universe vs. audiences everywhere. When Captain America: Civil War marches into theaters this month, fans will be treated to a superhero smorgasbord; all their favorites characters duking it out with one another for ideological supremacy. And though there’s reasonable concern over such a movie feeling bloated and fatiguing (Batman vs. Superman, anyone?), this all-star roundup certainly looks like a whole lot more fun than America’s actual impending class war that will tear our nation asunder in the next year or two.

Just as Marvel has carefully built its cinematic universe toward a jaw-dropping clash of egos over the past eight years, bloviating politicians of every party affiliation have pulled out all the stops in their efforts to turn American against American. They have stoked the fires of inequality and intolerance until an explosion is all but inevitable — and the real future war won’t even have a Spider Man cameo! Yes, Captain America: Civil War looks like much more fun than the queasily plausible anarchy that will erupt once, say, Nestlé owns all of our country’s potable water.


Whuh-oh! What’s Spidey doing with that shield? What’s happening to this country?

I for one am definitely looking forward to the on-screen debut of beloved comic characters like Black Panther and Baron Zemo more than the all-but-inevitable street violence as conservatives and liberals alike take up arms to defend the pitiful tatters and scraps of a country long-ago left behind by its corporate owners.

And yes, you heard me right: your friendly neighborhood Spider Man is now officially a part of the MCU! Ironic how Spidey’s presence first graced our movie screens when America so badly needed a hero to believe in just after 9/11. Now he returns — bolder than ever — on the precipice of a Trump or Clinton presidency, either of which will divide our country more savagely than we’ve been in centuries! Go Spidey!

Honestly though, even though it looks pretty great, I’ll probably wait for Captain America: Civil War on HBO. I mean, someone might shoot up the movie theater!

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